Which One is Not Like the Others?
I just registered for the chance to ridicule Nickelback singer Chad Kroeger for his utterly awful lyrical sensibilities, or put another way, for a seat at the second annual Vegas Rock Star Poker Tournament, an event that will let one (sort of) lucky winner play side-by-side with major rock stars this August 25th to 27th at the Palms.
Leave it to the event’s promoter, Clear Channel Entertainment, to screw this up, which would have been great if it stuck with just its original headliners: the legendary Gene Simmons, the damn-he’s-a-lucky-short-dude-with-a-goofy-goatee Dave Navarro and the “Rooster” crooner Jerry Cantrell of Alice in Chains. But for some reason Clear Channel decided to put Chad Kroeger at the table with these three legit rock luminaries. You know Chad, right? From the Spiderman song and lead vox for Canada’s worst export since really pale liberal people with dumb accents, Nickelback. I mean winning a seat at this poker table would be like being invited to play strip poker against Victoria’s Secret models and then at the last second they tell you a model for Chico’s is joining in. Couldn’t Clear Channel pull some strings like a good overpowering monopoly is supposed to and get Bono to play for Africa or something? Perhaps Kroeger threatened the entertainment behemoth with a new radio single that he’d force them to play on all the radio stations Clear Channel owns, which in case you don’t know is all the radio stations that exist.
Anyway, always the optimist, maybe it isn’t so bad because I love good table banter and the chance to harass Chad about some of his lyrics would be almost as enjoyable as playing a game of Six Degrees of Carmen Electra (think penetration, not separation) with Dave Navarro.
“Hey Dave, name any actor.”
“Just go ahead and name any actor or actress?”
“Uh, ok. Howabout Carrie Fisher for those non-poker playing Star Wars geeks?”
“Let’s see . . .
Yes, Carrie was in Star Wars, and you know her character was getting it on with Harrison Ford who was in the Devil’s Own with Brad Pitt who is now getting it on with Angelina Jolie who was in Mojave Moon with Danny Aiello who tried to get it on with her character even though she was like 16, and before that Aiello was playing a preaching Papa in a Madonna video (probably because he was getting it on with her) and the like-a-virgin-but-not-one-since-10 singer went on to get it on with Dennis Rodman who, yes, was getting it on with Carmen Electra.”
“Hmm. Was there a closer link through Prince?”
“or whatabout Tommy Lee?”
“What about Fred Durst?”
"or dare I say Chad Kroeger"
Let's hope not . . . I mean if it's true that when you sleep with someone you are sleeping with everyone they slept with, well at least Durst had Britney Spears before she trailerparked out. But I'd hate to see some of the strange Chad's gotten over the years. I bet his roadies fare better then him considering Chad looks like a cross between a beaten up Michael Bolton and Twisted Sister's Dee Snider on a bad day.
So anyway, is there possibly a worst lyricist than this Canuck?
For the sake of argument, I offer the following exhibits:
Exhibit A – “Figured You Out”
I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favorite damn disease
Exhibit B – “Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)”
It's getting late I haven't seen my date
so tell me when the boys get here
It's seven o'clock and I wanna rock
Want to get a belly full of beer
My old man's drunker than a bar full of wino's
And my old lady she don't care
My sister looks cute in her braces and boots
A handful of grease in her hair
Exhibit C – “Another Hole in the Head”
I needed you,
Probably as bad as I need another hole in the head
Was I mean to you?
Car keys in your hand
I believe that you would leave me for dead
Car keys in your hand? Where the hell did that come from?
Well, that’s more than enough to prove my point, but just to show you that it ain’t just his songwriting that’s, to put kindly, inane, here’s what Kroeger had to say about joining the lineup for the Vegas Rock Star Poker Tournament:
"We're excited to be performing in Vegas and be able to reward lucky fans to play at this rockin' Poker event! We can't wait to feel the energy and excitement of playing for our Vegas fans."
Rockin' Poker event? There's proof that cheesy people don't know they are cheesy people and say cheesy things . . . or something like that.
I tell you, if I don't win this seat and you do, please deliver Chad a bad beat . . . with your cards or anything you can get your hands on.