Which One is Not Like the Others?

:: snake

I just registered for the chance to ridicule Nickelback singer Chad Kroeger for his utterly awful lyrical sensibilities, or put another way, for a seat at the second annual Vegas Rock Star Poker Tournament, an event that will let one (sort of) lucky winner play side-by-side with major rock stars this August 25th to 27th at the Palms.

Leave it to the event’s promoter, Clear Channel Entertainment, to screw this up, which would have been great if it stuck with just its original headliners: the legendary Gene Simmons, the damn-he’s-a-lucky-short-dude-with-a-goofy-goatee Dave Navarro and the “Rooster” crooner Jerry Cantrell of Alice in Chains. But for some reason Clear Channel decided to put Chad Kroeger at the table with these three legit rock luminaries. You know Chad, right? From the Spiderman song and lead vox for Canada’s worst export since really pale liberal people with dumb accents, Nickelback. I mean winning a seat at this poker table would be like being invited to play strip poker against Victoria’s Secret models and then at the last second they tell you a model for Chico’s is joining in. Couldn’t Clear Channel pull some strings like a good overpowering monopoly is supposed to and get Bono to play for Africa or something? Perhaps Kroeger threatened the entertainment behemoth with a new radio single that he’d force them to play on all the radio stations Clear Channel owns, which in case you don’t know is all the radio stations that exist.

Anyway, always the optimist, maybe it isn’t so bad because I love good table banter and the chance to harass Chad about some of his lyrics would be almost as enjoyable as playing a game of Six Degrees of Carmen Electra (think penetration, not separation) with Dave Navarro.

“Hey Dave, name any actor.”

“What?”

“Just go ahead and name any actor or actress?”

“Uh, ok. Howabout Carrie Fisher for those non-poker playing Star Wars geeks?”

“Let’s see . . .

Yes, Carrie was in Star Wars, and you know her character was getting it on with Harrison Ford who was in the Devil’s Own with Brad Pitt who is now getting it on with Angelina Jolie who was in Mojave Moon with Danny Aiello who tried to get it on with her character even though she was like 16, and before that Aiello was playing a preaching Papa in a Madonna video (probably because he was getting it on with her) and the like-a-virgin-but-not-one-since-10 singer went on to get it on with Dennis Rodman who, yes, was getting it on with Carmen Electra.”

“Hmm. Was there a closer link through Prince?”

“or whatabout Tommy Lee?”

“What about Fred Durst?”

“B-Real?”

"or dare I say Chad Kroeger"

Let's hope not . . . I mean if it's true that when you sleep with someone you are sleeping with everyone they slept with, well at least Durst had Britney Spears before she trailerparked out. But I'd hate to see some of the strange Chad's gotten over the years. I bet his roadies fare better then him considering Chad looks like a cross between a beaten up Michael Bolton and Twisted Sister's Dee Snider on a bad day.

So anyway, is there possibly a worst lyricist than this Canuck?

For the sake of argument, I offer the following exhibits:

Exhibit A – “Figured You Out”

I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favorite damn disease

Exhibit B – “Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)”

It's getting late I haven't seen my date
so tell me when the boys get here
It's seven o'clock and I wanna rock
Want to get a belly full of beer
My old man's drunker than a bar full of wino's
And my old lady she don't care
My sister looks cute in her braces and boots
A handful of grease in her hair

Exhibit C – “Another Hole in the Head”

I needed you,
Probably as bad as I need another hole in the head
Was I mean to you?
Car keys in your hand
I believe that you would leave me for dead

Car keys in your hand? Where the hell did that come from?

Well, that’s more than enough to prove my point, but just to show you that it ain’t just his songwriting that’s, to put kindly, inane, here’s what Kroeger had to say about joining the lineup for the Vegas Rock Star Poker Tournament:

"We're excited to be performing in Vegas and be able to reward lucky fans to play at this rockin' Poker event! We can't wait to feel the energy and excitement of playing for our Vegas fans."

Rockin' Poker event? There's proof that cheesy people don't know they are cheesy people and say cheesy things . . . or something like that.

I tell you, if I don't win this seat and you do, please deliver Chad a bad beat . . . with your cards or anything you can get your hands on.

Thanks.

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[Eric Newby]

Being from the same town as Nickleback, I happen to know a lot about them. I know his ex-drummer personally. I even worked a show in a small venue pushing back the throngs of fans while sitting on stage right in front of Chad. And I can still tell you confidently that Chad Kroeger is the biggest douche since Jerry Massengill.

[arianna]

i don't really like it... but i do believe the cantrell, nevaro, and the dudes from nickleback are all friends... perchance you are right.. they do asook, but hey they wanted to be out with their friends, so who cares? whatev... no biggie, the dudes who rock will rock, the dudes who suck will suck, it's not like your feeding them by buying their album... you didn't buy their album right?... did you?

and to the inconsiderate asshole, who threw around homosexual slander... you're not a eunuch are you?

[snake]

Dear "wouldn't you like to know":

No.

Sincerely,
Snake

[Mikey]

dawn says:

"Have you got nothing better to do than cut down other men?"

then she says:

"you stupid faggot"

"Assholes like you.. ought to be shot"

[wouldn't you like to know]

Don't You think you're been very deceptive of your readers by replacing the original Vegas Rockstar Poker Tournament picture of Kroeger as he looks now with an old picture of him from years ago!? You people are assholes, man.

[dawn]

Have you got nothing better to do than cut down other men? Chad Kroeger is gorgeous and his hair is dam sexy you stupid faggot. There are millions of other women who think so too. I fantasise about this guy every night so it sounds to me like you are one heck of a JEALOUS and immature jerk. Assholes like you who have little morals and feel the need to cut down other people and their art ought to be shot. Who gives you the right to hurt others? And if you don't like an artists music there is no one forcing you to listen to it you stupid ignorant little prick. You've made me so angry I wish I could reach into my screen and just pound your scummy worthless head in!!

[snake]

first of all elena, musical taste is subjective and yours sucks.

second, Saturday nights was written by Bernie Taupin not Elton John...Elton John couldnt write a lyric to save his life...well he could but it would be about dudes and no one likes a rock and roller who writes about dudes.

third, yeh we were so caught up in bad lyrics of Nickelback songs that we inadvertently used a Bernie Taupin song which is probably the worst thing he's ever written and fittingly chad chose to record it.

fourth, i wouldnt trade my life for Chad's for all the money in the world...'cause it would suck to be that ugly, sing bad songs, and have bad hair, even if i made a lot of money doing it. Especially the bad hair part.

five, thanks for reading Wicked Chops Poker.

[Elena]

You people are joking me right .. the three songs you are mocking are good .. and yes they are infact all over the place .. but Chad makes a lot more money than you,does he not ? And you just so happened to pick a song he didnt even write .. Saturday nights (alright for fighting) was writen by Elton John. So shut your mouth and find a low life such as your self to pick on .. not someone with 5 cds out... AND one un wich went platinum 28 times.

[iPod]

At least he has come to the realization that he needs another hole in his head. I'd be happy to offer up my services (meaning I'd be willing to shot him in the head...with a gun) what a douche-rocket.

[snake]

Foreigner...I mean that's like Shakespeare compared to Kroeger.

[Chops]

Was Chad the lead singer of Foreigner?
Standing in the rain, with his head hung low/Couldn’t get a ticket, it was a sold out show/Heard the roar of the crowd, he could picture the scene/Put his ear to the wall, then like a distant scream

He heard one guitar, just blew him away/He saw stars in his eyes, and the very next day/Bought a beat up six string in a secondhand store/Didn’t know how to play it, but he knew for sure

That one guitar, felt good in his hands/Didn’t take long, to understandJust one guitar, slung way down low/Was one way ticket, only one way to go

So he started rockin’/Ain’t never gonna stop
Gotta keep on rockin’/Someday he’s gonna make it to the top

And be a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes/He’s a juke box hero/He took one guitar, juke box hero, stars in his eyes/
Juke box hero, he’ll come alive tonight