Don't Like Poker? Welcome to Northern Marianas College – Earth’s Least Cool School

Are you a nerd?  Were you a hall monitor in high school?  Are you one of those kids that wouldn’t let us cheat off of you in Algebra?  Do you still think that gambling, poker, smokes and booze are tools of the devil?

If you answered “yes” to more than one of the above questions (particularly the last one), then we’ve found the perfect school for you!  Introducing: Northern Marianas College! 

According to the Saipan Tribune—which is the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands (CNMI) leading local newspaper—students at Northern Marianas College are “circulating a petition in support of a House bill that would impose stricter regulations on the poker industry.” 

Editor’s Note: Saipan, one of three nerdy islands that make up the CNMI, is about 120 miles south of the much cooler American territory, Guam. 

Students petitioned for passage of the poker bill, which has been held up in limbo in the CNMI Senate for months.  This dreadful bill, “seeks to impose higher poker fees, prohibit poker establishments from the villages, and increase the distance of poker rooms from schools and churches.” 

And in a bit of truth that is too funny for us to even make up, the students hope to obtain “at least 5,000 signatures” for the bill.  So far…12 students have signed it.  Only 4,988 to go! 

Of course, this shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise for those of you familiar with Northern Marianas College.   According to its Web site, you can visit the institution’s student center and, “Improve your reflexes by playing a fast-paced game of ping pong” or, “Check out Scrabble, chess, checkers, and dozens of other boardgames.” Yipee!!!

The poker bill was introduced in response to a CNMI Department of Public Safety study that indicated over 750 crimes were committed between:

“2001 and the present related to the poker industry…including child and spousal abuse and neglect (domestic violence), theft, substance abuse, criminal involvement of minors ranging from curfew violations.”

It seems like even our brethren in Asian Pacific areas can fall prey to the, “Marilyn Manson and horror flicks are responsible for the violence in our country…because it simply can’t be attributed to crappy parenting and the fact that a lot of people just generally suck” philosophy.  How refreshing. 

However, Wicked Chops Poker always tries to find a nugget of positivity in every situation, no matter how dire.  So we’d be remiss not mentioning that we’re glad there is a little corner of the world where poker-hating-nerds can go and live in harmony while playing boardgames until the break of down.  And that place is Saipan.  In fact, if you feel deeply connected to these Saipanese students, why don’t you just say “Hafa Adai!” to Northern Marianas College and apply online today!

Comments

[Ironic]

I can only laugh when reading the Editor’s Note: Saipan, one of three nerdy islands that make up the CNMI, is about 120 miles south of the much cooler American territory, Guam.

At least the students at NMC are aware that it is GUAM that is 120 miles south AND west of Saipan...maybe the illustrious Editor could use a semester in one of NMC's geography classes...but, that might confuse the issue with facts. Oh dear!

[TC]

Poker in Saipan is only poker machines and the non regulated rip off joints are run by the Yakuza

[T]

POKER SUCKS ASS! GO NMC STUDENTS!

[T]

POKER SUCKS ASS!