Demi Moore is Old, Hates Poker

:: snake

There’s a rumor floating around that Ashton Kutcher’s fetish for poker and porn may be bringing the newlywed pair’s proverbial honeymoon to an end. Reported recently in the Ottawa Sun, Ashton’s old lady apparently doesn’t like all the time he spends playing poker with his friends in their mansion (that’s the same place he got all sad about that stuff down in New Orleans and did something about it by paying $14,000 to get private poker lessons from Annie Duke), and to top it off, the Striptease star has also laid down the law on Ashton’s porn collection, which our sources (the voices in my head) tell us is kept in the warehouse seen here in this photo.

Seriously though, I’m truly sad about all of this, even if it is happening to some dude who can’t seem to find either his car or a good film script, because no man--or child in Ashton’s case--should suffer at the hands of an older woman just because his love for poker will be around longer than his lady’s breasts stay north of her navel; unless of course the suffering involves the prettiest elder of all, Michelle Pfieffer, dressed as a dominatrix Catwoman in a room decorated like a dungeon that’s full of whips and she spanks you every time you say “reraise” (yeh, like you never fantasized about that).

Another reason I'm disappointed with Demi’s poker hating is because our good buds Kutch, Wilmie, the Danster, Preppy, Gopher and the other hoots from that 70’s show I still can’t remember the name of were supposed to have the Wicked Chops crew over for some cards this December and now it looks like Demi is putting her hoof down. I guess we’ll just have to wait until Kutch and gang head back our way to the ATL and open their Geisha House and Dolce restaurants and high-end bowling alley in Atlantic Station.

Bowling I hear is the new poker. Or is it darts?

Anyway, my main concern here is how this Kutcher-Moore marital row may be foreshadowing future events in the life of our babyfaced brethren Chops (pictured here, on right, getting premarital counseling from the Addict). I’m not sure if people know this, or Chops wants people to know this, but sometime soon the youngest third of the Wicked Chops troika will be pulling an Ashton Kutcher and getting hitched to an older woman. While nowhere near the 57-year age difference that exists between the persistently annoying pubescent Punk’d one and his soon-to-be-blue-haired lady star of the 80s (and almost 80) Demi, Chops and Lady Chops certainly have some 52-weekers between them. Indeed, I’m guessing that when Lady Chops was getting dazed and confused while listening to Blue Oyster Cult and the Steve Miller Band, Chops was still in his crib crapping his diapers to the tune of a lullaby.

I mean, call me a pessimistic projectionist (because I know that’s exactly the phrase you were thinking) but it would be irresponsible of me if i didn’t ask the tough questions now, before vows were exchanged, and what I need to know is if the soon-to-be wifey of Chops has any intentions of, you know, going all Demi on his ass about his penchant for poker as well as his secret (no longer) and pervasive soft core porn collection, which is not as impressive as Ashton's but does take up these three self-storage units at the local Store-All.

And let it be known to all that if she doesn’t plan to follow suit with the legendary Wicked Wives, who famously and without impunity let the Addict and I fly off on a moments notice for tourneys and casinos far, far away, well, you can expect me to be the first one to stand up and object, with the purest intentions at heart, when the priest, reverend or Elvis impersonator asks if anyone here today objects to the union of these two souls.

But to be honest, I'm not too concerned here. Lady Chops (at right, with Chops) has proven to be extremely supportive of Chops' poker addiction during this trial period they call an "engagement," and in fact the Lady knows a few things about poker herself, regularly taking it down at tables in Midtown and even outlasting the Addict, Chops and I in a freeroll tourney (because chicks get lucky every now and then). So yes, we welcome Lady Chops to the Wicked Chops family with open arms, and we truly do love her like a sister.

Or actually, more like a hot step sister.

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