Persian Poker Revisited: Iranian Government a Bunch of Crazy Bitches

A couple of months back, Wicked Chops Poker first reported on a new game sweeping the Middle East: Persian Poker. 

It appears that in Persian Poker’s founding country, Persia (now called “Iran” or something, home of the world's most under-ratedly attractive women, like Nadia Bjorlin, at left), the craze for this game is reaching atomic proportions. 

The Manilla Times today published an in-depth editorial on the state of Persian Poker. 

Of course, as we all know, with news this week that Iran has enriched uranium, the stakes in this poker game have greatly escalated. 

As Iran beats its chests, challenging any country to a “heads-up” match, war hawks the United States are starting to lick their wicked Persian Poker chops.  Unfortunately for the U.S., while we may be (and by “may be” we mean “are so fucking much”) better than anyone at winning heads-up matches in all poker battles, we don’t have much of an idea of what to do once we win.  We’re like Stu Ungar or the old Mike Matusow in that regard. 

Since the U.S. causes so much rage on foreign soil (a price you pay for being that much fucking better than everyone else, especially France), the countries we beat at these high-stakes games tend to go on mega-tilt, and next thing you know, they’re stuck taking shot after shot at our stack (and oddly enough, their own as well sometimes...are you listening Iraq??? Civil wars were so 1860's...).  And since the U.S. can only seem to focus on the big tourneys and not these little sit n’ go battles, we just start bleeding chips. 

Unfortunately for us, the Iranians are particularly difficult to play Persian Poker against.  As inventors of the game, they obviously have the most experience.  Plus, their leader is certifiably fucking crazy.

Imagine Tiffany “Crazy Bitch” Williamson meets the Grinder meets Layne Flack…that’s what Iranian grand pubah Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (at right) is…you don’t want to get involved in any big pots with this guy...he'll risk his entire stack with nothing.

What's worse though is that he's actually legimately fucking nuts.  With this evil motherfucker at the helm, a man who is delusional enough to claim that the holocaust never happened, he’s already got some 200 Iranians ready to carry out "martyrdom missions" against U.S. and British interests around the world. 

Apparently, to win Persian Poker, these guys are willing to risk much more than their stacks...in fact, they're willing to completely blow their stacks.

Equally as troubling, The Manilla Times asserts that, “In confronting the U.S., Tehran’s leaders have several aces up their sleeve.”  With old-timers like Russia and China on their side, “they know the U.S. will have a difficult time calling for sanctions” against them.  Fucking commies.  Do communist regimes not remember what the Wolverines can do to them?

The Times also notes that there, “...are, however, risks to playing high-stakes nuclear poker: The game could get out of hand.”  It'll be just like David Lightman going against W.O.P.R., but only, like, much worse.    

What we’ll have to do to decimate Iran’s stack is still unclear and undecided.  But before they start table captaining too much, someone needs to send the fanatics to the rail.

Comments

[Tessa]

Haha. The first person that taught me how to play poker was from Iran - my father.