Lazy Friday: Bank Robbin', The Chronic-What?-les of Narnia and Orchestra Practice

It was just a typical Lazy Friday on your typical American college campus.

In fact, it was just like a typical Wicked Chops Poker college Friday afternoon.  Below is a dramatization of that typical Friday afternoon:

Chops calls Snake.

Chops: "Snake, what's up dude?"
Snake: "Ah man just gettin' up, about to toke a big fatty."
Chops: "Coooooooool. I’m crackin’ a Bud myself. Hey, you wanna catch a flick?"
Snake: "You mean instead of getting bombed and trying to bang some chick at a bar? Sure! I love going to the movie theater to kick off my weekend!"
Chops: "Dude, I hear you. Can you say, “Tart n’ Tinys and Junior Mints!?”
Snake: “[pause, exhale, cough] Ta[cough]rt n’ Tinys [cough] and Junior [cough] Mints.”
Chops: “Sweet. Call the Addict. We’re hittin’ the movies! Now what should three young college guys go see on a Friday afternoon. Something that will set the tone for the rest of our hellraising weekend...something fantastical…" 
Snake: "Dude. I've got it! DUDE! The Chronicles of Narnia! DUDE!"
Chops: "Good call Dude! I'm soooo into adapted screenplays from fantasy books I sort of read as a child! Come pick me up in an hour!"
Snake: "[pause, exhale] Sweeet. Dude, the Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe meets Snake, Chops, and the Addict. Now that’s a fantasy come true if I’ve ever heard of one."
Chops: "Right on. Oh by the way, can we stop by a Wachovia on the way, so I can rob it?"

That dramatization is EXACTLY like our college days, except: 1) Chops, Snake, and the Addict did not attend the same college; 2) Chops, Snake and the Addict did not even go to college during the same years, for the most part; 3) If we had though, we would not ever once even consider going to see a fantasy flick about witches and sorcerers on a Friday...or any other day; because 4) We were too busy testing the physiological parameters of high-level alcohol toxicity (getting passed-out drunk) while unleashing our "manhoods" inside our co-ed collegial counterparts (getting laid, before we passed out). And besides, college kids are too old to be into witches and sorcerers, because as we've seen, that only leads to finding yourself (and your tongue) in really, really bad places.

Oh yeah, one more point, 5) On the way to the movie we’d never go see in the first place, we would not attempt a truly ill-conceived and half-assed bank robbery.

Then again, we are not Greg Hogan. Jr. 

Cause that’s what he did last December.

The New York Times Magazine just ran a feature on “the dangers” and “growing” addiction of online gambling on college campuses (you'll need to sign up to read the whole thing, it's free). While it is completely and utterly one-sided, it’s still worth a read, if for no other reason than because of the truly excruciating story of its main protagonist, Greg Hogan, Jr.

Lehigh University Class of 2008 president Greg Hogan, Jr. robbed a Wachovia bank of $2,871 on his way to go see the Chronicles of Narnia.

He did this because over the previous year, he had lost over $7,500 playing online poker.

Which meant he still needed to rob a few more banks to get unstuck, but it was a good start.

Here’s how it went down, according to the Times. After Hogan was picked up by his two buddies, they were off to the movies. But first Hogan, who was sitting shotgun, asked them to stop at a Wachovia so he could "cash a check," which is Hogan-speak for "rob a bank." Then, as the New York Times Magazine reports:

“Inside, Hogan paused at the counter for a moment and then joined the line. He handed the teller a note that said he had a gun, which was a bluff. "Are you kidding?" her face seemed to say. He did his best to look as if he weren't.”

What, Hogan (at left) doesn’t look like a bank robber? With those cute little pinchable chipmunk cheeks? ALVIN!!!

Hogan actually made it out of the bank, into his friend’s car and off to a fantastical movie adventure. While these three male college students watched the adventures of four London children who find a magic wardrobe box which leads to the mystical land of Narnia—which is being ruled by a terrible witch—and eventually become involved in a battle between good and evil, Hogan’s two friends sat thoroughly engrossed having no idea that Hogan had just robbed a bank.

Afterwards the three went to their Sig Ep fraternity house (at right), where Hogan paid back some brothers he owed money. Then Hogan went to go get pizza with some other friends. While there, one of his friend’s cell phone rang. The Sig Ep house was raided by the po-lice. Uh oh.

After dinner, Hogan’s friends dropped him off at orchestra practice. Where he was arrested. At orchestra practice.

Orchestra practice.

On a Friday night.

Wtf?

Had he not been arrested, what was next after orchestra? Scrabble at the Sig Ep house? Patty-cake with orphaned children? Jesus.

Now don’t get us wrong, what happened to Hogan is sad, and we hope he gets over his addiction. And God knows we made some stupid mistakes when we were young. Although none involved bank robbery.

But shit man, Narnia and orchestra on a Friday? Is that all Lehigh has to offer? No wonder kids are turning to gambling and robbing banks there. What the hell else are they going to do?

It all makes sense now. It all makes sense. It's all Lehigh's fault.

* Illustration by R. Kikuo Johnson of the New York Times Magazine.

Comments

[Anonymous]

Yeah...he wasn't going to make a porn movie with an overused MILF because he had a girlfriend.

[Big P]

Recently, I graduated from Lehigh. When this story dropped, my whole fraternity could not stop laughing. I graduated from Lehigh, got black out wasted 4-5 days a week, got laid on a regular basis, played online poker for about 40 hours a week, and did not rob a bank. Kids like this make me sick to say that I attended Lehigh. What a pussy? Gambling and college go hand and hand. I can not imagine my collegiate years without having hundreds of dollars a weekend on football games. Online gaming has made it safe for college students like myself to gamble. We are using our credit cards to place bets instead of using mafia connected bookies that prey on college kids for their menial existence. Anyways, I am at work, and it's time to go back.

[Drizztdj]

Why couldn't this kid do something more constructive like make a porn movie with an overused MILF?

I know why... he had Orchestra practice!

Maybe he should have hooked up with Jason Biggs for inventive uses of musical instraments instead of blowing his money on King high flushes.

[Kid Dynamite]

Shouldn't there be a gratuitous link to some pictures of hotties in here somewhere? I mean, you get some points for a gratuitous shot at D. Williams, Ass Eater, but this was a prime spot for some pics of the types of tail you guys USED to get. And by the way - I hear the SigEp Friday Scrabble game is a RAGER.

I read the NY Times article too, seemed that the key point was that this kid absolutely sucked at poker.

I like the mock screenplay - I'm tellin' ya Chops - we could write a good one...

-KD