Let the Consolidations Begin!

Rumors have been swirling for weeks about an ensuing bumrush of online poker site consolidations, so it should come as no shocker that PartyGaming, the parent company of PartyPoker, the (former) online giant started by an ex-phone-sex operator and the unfortunately named Anurag Dikshit, and 888 Holdings are reportedly in prelim merger talks worth about $3B USD (or 1.6B pounds, if you're into that kind of thing).

We'd have more to add on this, except both companies were such nancy boys after the UIGEA was passed that they make us sick and simply deserve each other. Kind of like when Anna Nicole and Howard K. Stern got hitched. No one was like, "Finally, true love prevails!" It was more like, "Those two fucking idiots deserve each other. Good luck with that."

2007 WSOP to Begin on June 1; Not That They'll Be Accepting Online Qualifiers Even If You Wanted to Play

Earlier today Harrah's announced that the 2007 World Series of Poker will begin on June 1. The Main Event will start on July 17th.

The earlier start date is to accomodate ESPN, so its airing of poker's World Series (set for the summer) wouldn't take a ratings hit from baseball's World Series.

Says the WSOP's colorful Commish Jeffrey Pollack:

“The 2006 World Series of Poker was the best yet, but 2007 will be even better....As a first step, we’ve moved the start date up and now we’re developing an expanded and well-rounded schedule of events for 2007 that will appeal to both professionals and amateurs.”

However, all of this may not matter to you, since the 2007 likely won't be accepting online qualifiers anyway (here's comes Debbie Downer...)

Soren Turkewitsch Wins 2006 North American Poker Championship

Good for him.

Final table payouts: 1) Soren Turkewitsch - $1,352,224, 2) Jason Sagle - $676,107, 3) John Lam - $352,541, 4) James Worth - $289,760, 5) John Juanda - $217,320, 6) Marc Karam - $169,027.

WTF Happened? All the Big Names Left at North American Poker Championship Eliminated Before Final Table Except John Juanda and He's Like Really, Really Short-Stacked

First things first: the official recovery time to regain a passion for poker after being carpet nuked by High Roller: The Stu Ungar Story is about 3 days.

So we're feeling good again about poker, but we're a little dissappointed in the drop-off of quality from a "name/storyline" perspective for the WPT North American Poker Championship TV table. Luster was lost when Brad "Yukon" Booth, Allen Cunningham, Farzad Bonyati, Kyle Bowker, Mark Newhouse, Nam Le, and John D'Agostino, as well as the few broads who were remaining, all failed to make the final six.

The one signficant name pro who did make it, John Juanda, will need a lot of help, as he'll sit uber-short-stacked.

Full final table chip counts are: 1) Jason Sagle - 2,970,000, 2) John Lam - 2,285,000, 3) Soren Turkewitsch - 1,690,000, 4) James Worth - 1,305,000, 5) Marc Karam - 1,290,000, and 6) the aforementioned John Juanda - 425,000.

Hey Entities, Could You Talk About Yourselves for a Minute?

We here at Wicked Chops Poker hate talking about ourselves. Just ain't cool. You don't wanna hear it. Bad taste. Unfortunately, this doesn't even remotely stop us from talking about ourselves incessently.

So we'd be remiss not to point out our latest BLUFF Magazine column has hit newstands (and if you missed it, check out the October issue column here). The guys over at BLUFF did a killer job with the spread. Looks great. Not a bad read either.

And we're supplementing our monthly BLUFF column with some original content on the BLUFF website, which you can find at http://www.bluffmagazine.com/wickedchopspoker/.

Godspeed.

Canadians Representing at WPT North American Poker Championship

Listen, High Roller: The Stu Ungar Story really rattled our cages, kind of like how that weird little guy on Lost rattled that poor little bunny's cage and freaked Sawyer out on this past Wednesday's episode. In a lot of ways, we're like Sawyer here, and not just because girls around the world admire our rugged good looks and utter disdain for authority. Or because we have a thing for the nearly flawless Evangeline Lilly (at right). But when that weird little guy told Sawyer he put a pacemaker in him and then rattled the bunny's cage, Sawyer, in turn, got rattled. Happens to the best of 'em. And this past week, it happened to us (ie, the best of 'em). And judging by reader comments and emails, we're not alone in experiencing how truly devastating the aftereffects of watching High Roller can be.

In fact, if there is one thing that actually would ever make us shut down this blog, it wouldn't be something like the UIGEA, but it would be Michael Imperioli starring in any other poker related movie. Lucky for us he doesn't have a bit part in Lucky You.

Fortunately, Parting Shot girl Melissa Theuriau helped give us a little needed spike, you know, some will and desire to go on. So we can report to you that Marc Karam, a Canadian, and Brad "Yukon" Booth, a Canadian, are among the chip leaders after Day 3 play at the WPT North American Poker Championship.

We're not exactly going out on a limb here by saying that this is a really impressive leaderboard. Karam will start Day 4 as the overall chip leader with 742,500. Right behind him are John D'Agostino (733,500), Mark Newhouse (671,000), John Juanda (505,000), and the aforemention Yukon Booth (460,500). Adding some intrigue to the leaderboard are top 10 chippers Melissa Hayden, a woman, with 416,500, and Kristian Ulriksen, a woman, with 344,000. Also in the mix is Nam Le, who with another cash, should move ahead of WCP fave Shannon Shorr (not a woman) in Card Player's version of the Player of the Year standings (although he is already ahead in BLUFF's version), however, we can't be 100% sure if he will move ahead since we totally don't get how these POY point ranking systems work.

Full chip counts here. More Evangeline Lilly after the jump.

Friday Night Parting Shot: Melissa Theuriau

Meet Melissa Theuriau, the ridiculously beautiful French newscaster who's had smelly men all over Frogland watching the news with their pants down ever since she first appeared as the anchorwoman on the 6:40pm nightly news. Think Katie Couric, but instead of looking like an annoying soccer mom you want to nail in the head with a soccer ball so she'll shut the fuck up, Theuriau looks like Shana Hiatt's hot French twin sister you just want to nail.

Or maybe just cuddle with. We can cuddle.

We first came across Theuriau, whose last name alone would break the bank buying vowels on Wheel of Fortune, two years ago when we saw her videos on Ryoni.com. Damn we thought, guess we don't hate all things French. And what talent she has perched at her news desk. She makes all news, even bad news, seem hot.

So Melissa, you say there are riots in the suburbs of Paris. Mmmmm...that's so sexy baby. Tell us about it. What? French immigrants are torching buses after some youths were electrocuted. OK, now you're just talking dirty, but please, do go on. It's hot. Wait, the police are getting ambushed by bat-wielding youths? Hmm...so that's how you want it. You like it rough, don't you Melissa? Don't you?

But don't get us wrong, there's more to Theuriau than just being hot. She is also well educated, worldly, and very articulate, which are all characteristics that would mean something to us if we weren't so shallow.

What else can we say about Melissa? She's 28, has a tattoo on her left side under her navel, and is of Persian descent, or so Wikipedia says. Actually we can confirm the tattoo because Melissa gets all Keeley Hazell-like when she's away from the news desk (NSFW).

Yes, there is a God and he is great.

More proof of God's existence, after the jump, including a video of Theuriau doing her thing and enough pics to make you wish you were French. Well maybe not. But you'll at least wish you were visiting France and stuck in a hotel while Melissa's doing around the clock coverage of immigrants setting Paris ablaze.

No North American Poker Championship Write-Up Today Because High Roller: The Stu Ungar Story Ruined Poker for Us for a Little While

If we were actually journalists, we'd feel badly about not providing you with some sort of recap of the WPT's North American Poker Championship held up in that lesser nation to the north of us.

Fortunately for us, we're not actually journalists. And since High Roller: The Stu Ungar Story utterly ruined poker for us, at least for a little while, it's nearly impossible to provide any sort of coverage of Day 1B action. Just can't do it. Sorry.

Get chip counts over at Card Player. Looks like Mark Newhouse and Allen Cunningham ended up doing pretty well. That's all we got...that's all that's in the tank. Blame Michael Imperioli and that shitty movie he made.

We Kind of Dig Joe Pelton's Girlfriend

It turns out that Joe Pelton, a man who clearly uses our faux-insults as motivation to dominate poker tournaments, has a girlfriend who looks pretty cute, seems smart, and has some attitude. All in all from what we can tell, a real solid catch.

WHO ARE YOU JOE PELTON? WHOOOO ARRRREEE YOOOOUU?

This dude just keeps throwing us curve balls. Seriously, you think you've completely imagined (and written about) what someone is like, and they keep turning out to actually be something different. Fucking imaginations.

See Pelton's gf's blog here and pics here.

Two Years Too Late Movie Review: High Roller

Hopefully this movie review catches you, our reader, before you're flipping through channels this week, get to Starz, happen to see, "High Roller: The Stu Ungar" story is on, then think to yourself, "You know, I've never seen this movie before. I like poker. Why not, nothing else on..." and end up wasting anywhere between 90 seconds and 90 minutes of your life watching something so terrible, there really isn't a word to describe how bad it is, so we'll just go with "shit."

Not really sure where to start. Michael Imperioli doesn't even attempt to channel Stu Ungar, unless Stu Ungar walked/talked/acted exactly like Christopher Moltisanti from the Sopranos, which from what we've seen of Ungar, he didn't, at all. We'd go into more in-depth analysis about the cinematography and directing, but having only seen about 10 minutes of the movie before yelling profanities at the TV and throwing hard objects at the wall as a form of tension release, we don't have much more to say. So let's just close by stating that in some ways High Roller is like Ray or Walk the Line, overrated biopics that just scan the high points in a talented person's life without really diving too deep into what made the character tick, except with one glaring difference being that those movies were at least well acted, directed, and produced (and had killer music), while everything about High Roller fucking sucked.

World Poker Tour Goes to City of Fictitious Girlfriends for Latest Tournament; John Juanda Leads

On the heels of last week's Festa al Lago tournament won by Andreas Walnum, the World Poker Tour has headed off to Canada, Niagara Falls to be exact, for the North American Poker Championship at the Fallsview Casino Resort.

This raises two important points:

1) Since when has Canada been part of North America? Doesn't the continent of the United States solely make up North America? Our lesser neighbors down south, Mexico, are part of South America, and Canada is part of Eskimoland or something, we thought. Time to hit the old geography books again.

2) Niagara Falls is home to more fictitious girlfriends than any other city in the world. First popularized in the movie The Breakfast Club when dorky Brian claimed to have rabbit-danced with a girl in the region, a few years later an old subdivision acquaintance of Chops claimed to have not one, but two girlfriends (at the same time) in the famed location (true story). And this was long after The Breakfast Club came out. And his mom backed up the story. Chops would go further on this story, but this acquaintance got really into martial arts in college and would sit out on the front porch of his fraternity house into the wee hours of the night just in case a rival fraternity would try and do something vandalous to the house so he could pounce and attack (unfortunately, also a true story), and he is afraid for his life just for mentioning this whole ordeal.

John Juanda leads the North American Poker Championship, stacked at 205,500. Famed historian Steven Ambrose might be second, stacked at 138,000. You never know with these chip counts. We do know that Team Bodog online qualifier, Kevin Monghan of Gainesville, FL, who plays under the name Ship It Sir, is in or near the top 5 with 114,800. Tao of Poker fave Liz Lieu is also stacked. She has 73,000. Get full chip counts at Card Player.

Two pics of Liz Lieu from her MySpace page after the jump. She's so cute. So sexy. Like an oil drenched sock puppet. See more of Liz Lieu at the official Liz Lieu website which is ironically LizLieu.net.

Meghan Is Our New Favorite Bodog Girl

Sometime between riding elephants in Bali and fighting against bear bile farming in Vietnam, Bodog's Calvin Ayre found the time to pick our new favorite Bodog Girl, Meghan, for this month's baseball-themed spread over at Bodognation.com.

Meghan, who Bodog describes as a "moundcharger," which were sure has some sexual connotation to it but we're really not sure what, replaces our past favorite Bodog Girl, Alba, who was last month's Bodog Girl feature. Alba in turn had replaced our previous favorites, Heathyr and Cassandra, who won us over with their handholding spread the month before. Which really just shows you how fickle this "favorites" business is with us here at Wicked Chops Poker. Strip down to a few threads short of being naked, spritz some water on yourself ala Keeley Hazell style, look smoking hot while posing like you're being sporty and stuff, and wah-lah, we love you, or at the least, we like looking at ya with our pants down.

By the way, why Calvin hasn't invited us to "cover" one of these Bodog Girls' shoots, or even guest photog one, is beyond us. Maybe its the "pants down" stuff that scares him, which we promise we can work on. May be hard to overcome but if there's one thing we learned from our sock puppets in oil porn fetish, anything can be overcome with a little motivation. No matter how difficult it is to give up.

After the jump are a few pics of Meghan and Alba. You can see a lot more than this at BodogNation.

We So Busy

We're so busy here at Wicked Chops Poker--like taking showers, combing our hair, closing the door after we open it kind of busy-ness--that we haven't really posted much the past few days.

Sorry.

We have poker stuff on our minds. It's just hard to find the time when you're busy putting on your shoes and stuff to get a quality post up. So until we do, entertain yourself with the pretty pic after the jump of a girl who is either 18 or will get you 18.

Joe Pelton Falls Just Short

Joe Pelton, a man obsessed with using Wicked Chops Poker's semi-faux-slurs against him as motivation to destroy his opponents, fell just short of winning the WPT Festa al Lago, placing third.

This leads to the inevitable question: "If Joe Pelton didn't win, then WHO DID?"

In two simple words: Andreas Walnum.

He beat Steve Wong, a man who would be 10x cooler if he dropped the "t" in Steve and changed the "o" in Wong to "a." Yes, Seve Wang. Walnum banks $1,090,025 for the win. Seve Wang brings home $542,700. And with that, we've run out of funny things to say.

"Wait, you were actually being funny?"

Fuck you, reader.

The rest of the final table finishes included: Christopher Loveland ($187,745), David Baker ($125,240), and Can Kim Hua ($83,490). Now we're off with the rest of the WPT to discover the female orgasm.

Joe Pelton is Clearly Out to Prove Us Wrong

Here's one thing we've learned recently not involving crystal meth and state lotto addictions: don't throw snarky faux-insults Joe Pelton's way.

We've called Pelton a "non-legend" and an individual about as imposing as Mr. Rogers. All in good humor, of course. What is now clear to us though is Pelton feeds off our semi-slanderous slaggings, harnessing our sort of bashings into some sort of motivational "me against the world" mentality that he unleashes on poker pros everywhere. You see, Pelton, who won the WPT Legends of Poker back in August, is now "in position" to capture his second WPT since, errr, August.

Pelton takes the chip lead to the WPT final table, stacked at 2,923,000. The rest of the final table includes: David Baker (1,652,000), Andreas Walnum (1,374,000), Chris Loveland (1,059,000), Steve Wong (886,000), Can Kim Hua (765,000).

Guy Who We Kind of Made Fun of For Not Being a Legend of Poker Leads Second WPT Tournament in Past Two Months

With only 18 players remaining, Joe Pelton, winner of the WPT Legends of Poker this past August, leads the WPT Festa al Lago at the Bellagio after three days of play.

Pelton, who looks about as phycially imposing as Mr. Rogers, apparently has one helluva poker game, bringing a big stack of 1,288,000 into Day 4 play. Among the final 18 is a veritable "who's who" of players we've covered or kind of sort of covered the past year, including Brandon Cantu, Can Kim Hua, Carlos Mortensen, Michael "the Grinder" Mizrachi, Captain Tom Franklin, and Joe Tehan, whose name sounds too much like "Tehran" for our liking.

While we were tied up covering state lotteries, we missed that Brandi Hawbaker, a woman, led the event after Day 2. But in typical woman fashion, Brandi (at right), who kind of looks like a badass, flamed out, busting in 35th place.

Get full Day 3 chips counts here.

* Image from Card Player.

Wicked Chops Poker Is Back...With A Vengeance

We here at Wicked Chops Poker are not afraid to admit when we're wrong.

Last week, like a fickle radio station switching from a classic rock playlist to one of those iPod shuffle "Dave," "Jack," or "Sam" FM formats, we decided to ride the hot trend and begin covering the latest rage: state lotteries.

However, playing state lotteries, games which the Government of this very United States has deemed safe for us to play at will, led us down a dangerous path that we were lucky to survive.

As you read from our State Lottery Trip Reports I & II, playing $100,000 instant scratch off Hold'em games nearly ruined our finances, marriages, clean slated criminal records, and teeth.

So we've learned our lesson. We will no longer play, cover, or even think about state lotteries again. It's back to poker for us. It's safer. It's more fun. And doggone-it, poker likes us.

After the jump, NSFW pics of girls with big boobs, including Wicked Chops Poker Girl of 2006, Keeley Hazell, Wicked Chops Poker Girl of 2005, Joanna Krupa, WCP celeb fave Scarlett Johansson, and newcomer Vida Guerra.

It's nice to be back.

Wicked Chops State Lotteries Road Trip Report – Part I

When the entities that comprised Wicked Chops Poker became the entities that comprise Wicked Chops State Lotteries last week, we immediately began plotting our first roadtrip to test our wicked lottery number picking chops.

So over this past weekend, we did just that. Chops, now a Las Vegas resident, flew back to Atlanta to meet up with the brothers Wicked (the Addict and Snake). They rented a mini-van, bought a road map, and said, “Tennessee, here we come!”

Before we continue though, we must address a few questions you probably have:

1) Entities, why Tennessee? Isn’t that your arch nemesis, Senator Bill Frist’s, home state?
WCP: That’s exactly why we’re going to Tennessee. Well, that and because it’s the closest state to Georgia with Texas Hold’em Poker instant scratch game. And because we’re lazy. We mean, we’re committed to this whole State Lotteries project and our website and all, but not “12 hour drive committed,” you know? Also, we hear Tennessee has great new meth labs. Which might answer…

2) Why a mini-van?
WCP: So we can manufacture crystal meth on the ride, our new bedlam ensuing drug of choice. Cocaine is so 20 years ago. And by “20 years ago” we mean “this past summer.” Here’s the thing though, we started to dabble a little with the meth, and by “dabble” we mean “smoke at least four to five times a day” and we discovered that we ensue forms of bedlam that we never even thought possible for us. Crazy sick shit. Wake up with a horse's cock in your mouth kind of shit. Crazy.

3) Ok, great, so it sounds like bedlam is going to ensue? But when?
WCP: Right now.

George Will Just Doesn't Get It

Famed conservative columnist and sex symbol George Will (at right) addresses, as he calls it (not our words), "Prohibition II" in this week's Newsweek.

It seems that Will thinks Congress missed a valuable opportunity to regulate and tax online gambling, way over-stepped its bounds by governing personal liberties, and that prohibition in general never, ever works.

He also thinks that the "Government" passed this legislation as a way to protect local gambling interest, like state lotteries.

We thought Will was on our team. Guess not. Read Will's incendiary article here.

Update: A List of States Where You Can Still Play the Lottery

As more poker sites decide whether they are in or out of the U.S. market (all of the major sites that are in are listed after the jump), now is a good time to examine which states are in or out of the lottery market.

And as with many things in life, there is some good news...and some bad news.

First, the bad news: There are eight states in the union in what we like to call the U-S-and-A that do not have a lottery.

However, there is a silver lining to this: lotteries are still hotter in most states than Grey's Anatomy babe Katherine Heigl (at right, supporting one of those illicit wagering and poker sites, Bodog, which means she's a naughty little girl...so naughty). In fact, there are 42 states that currently DO have lotteries right now (and guess WCP readers who are "inside the beltway," Washington DC has one too!).

To this, we gotta say: Fuck yeah, state lotteries. Fuck yeah.

Anyway, for you scourge of society vagrants who still want to play online poker, check out the sites that are still accepting U.S. players, courtesy of 2+2...as well as some more pics of Katherine Heigl...cause she's naughty. So naughty.

No Wonder President Bush Doesn't Understand Why Poker Should Be Carved Out Like State Lotteries

The entities that comprise Wicked Chops State Lotteries, LLC, have finally figured it out. We now know why our beloved state lotteries are exempt from the federal prohibitionist gangbanging that nefarious acts which we we detest, like online poker and sports wagering, are not.

It's not because ultra-right wing religious conservatives like President Bush don't like games such as poker...it's because they don't UNDERSTAND games like poker.

During a recent press conference concerning the North Korean nuke tests and other pressing international issues, Bush compared his strategy in dealing with these "evil-doers" to an optimal poker strategy, stating:

"...one has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards..."

Um. Uh. Ok.

Watch the full clip here.

President Bush to Sign the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act Today at 10am, Watershed Moment for State Lotteries!

In what is awesome news for supporters and advocates of state lotteries, like ourselves, President Bush will be signing the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act today.

You can watch the ceremonies on C-SPAN.

The Act was pushed through Congress on September 30th as an attempt to block financial transactions that permit and facilitate online gambling--except for horse racing and our bread-and-butter, state lotteries.

Watch it now!

Wicked Chops State Lotteries Report

The switch from online poker to playing the lottery hit our bankrolls pretty hard this past week. We're $2,473 down. $150 from playing some scratch game we still haven't really figured out yet and the rest from getting jacked while drinking 40s and loitering in front of the "Lotto & Groceries" store on Boulevard. Call the police if you come across a guy in an XXXL white tee flashing about 1300 bones and Snake's brown Diesel watch.

On the good news front, Chops' new mistress, Tammy, a lottery regular, is moving out of her ex-husband's mobile home this Friday (fingers crossed) after she picked 4 and cashed $752.43. Tammy and Bobbi Sue are getting a two bedder over at Twin Ponds and some new tats to celebrate. Snake's new side-dish Latonia, who he coincidentally met at the L & G when she kindly asked him to scratch her ticket, quit her job as the assistant manager at Chick-Fil-A and is moving into the new condo he bought from his previous Bodog cash earnings, which he may now lose if he doesn't hit the Fantasy 5 soon. The Addict by the way is now addicted to the Georgia Lottery's Cash 3 game and has been playing his baby's momma's favorite numbers 0-6-9 every day, except today, which sucks because 0-6-9 finally hit and paid out $229,960 to "0 people" according to the state's lottery site.

In other lottery news, wild bears in Minnesota have packed up and moved to Hawaii thanks to the $50 million windfall they received from the state lottery there. Taking their place in the wild were several thousand poor people who played the lottery every day and won shit.

After the jump, a photo of Tammy and Bobbi Sue at the pond and a video about wild bears and lotteries we came across on YouTube, which may or may not be run by a bunch of frickin' commies.

Wicked Chops State Lotteries Girl of 2006?

Keeley Hazell, the official Wicked Chops Poker Girl of 2006 (a completely made-up accolade created solely to give us a reason to share photos of Keeley for no reason at all), is way too classy to be the official Wicked Chops State Lotteries Girl of 2006, and when we say classy we mean bodaciously breasted, hot as balls and speaks the Queen's English.

No, for the official Wicked Chops State Lotteries Girl of 2006 we need a girl that says "state lotteries" just by looking her. Don't get us wrong though. She must be hot doable but she also must be the archetypal beauty for the average person who plays the lottery regularly and the 0.00000049% who win. And while we have a few girls in mind who we think fit the bill, we'd definitely like to hear your thoughts.

While you're deliberating, check out Keeley's new "Seduction Special" spread in FHM UK over at DailyNiner.com, which if you view at work, will likely give you a raise and get you fired at the same time. Also, after the jump is another one of them Keeley Hazell videos. This one from her first FHM shoot, which strangely has her talking a bunch without her saying the word "boobs" every sentence.

Poor Man Doesn't Win Virginia State Lottery Texas Hold'em Game

Carl Jackson (at right), a poor 43-year-old African American male, did not win any money in the Virginia state lottery instant Texas Hold'em scratch game last week.

Carl spent much of his meager weekly earnings on the new, popular $5 Texas Hold'em scratch tickets. Said Carl, "Yeah man, I didn't win. But this Texas Hold'em game has got me hooked, and now I gotta get my fix somewhere, ya know? Me and all my friends play the lottery all the time man."

Virginia, which is the home state to Republican Congressman Bob Goodlatte, co-sponsor of H.R. 4411, an anti-gaming legislative bill, runs a very well promoted state lottery that recently began selling Texas Hold'em scratch tickets. The tickets have been a huge success. Says the Virginia lottery website:

"You’ve seen Texas Hold ’Em on TV. Now, you can scratch and play. For an ante of $5 you get to see what your opponent is holding. The pot goes as high as $100,000. With three hands on five tables - you could beat your opponent up to 15 times on each ticket! Go all in and see what happens!"

The Virginia lottery doesn't provide actual odds of winning its Texas Hold'em scratch game on the site. However, when playing actual live Texas Hold'em, in the absolute case worst pre-flop scenario, you are never any worse than about 11% to win a hand, so we imagine you've gotta have about the same odds with this new scratch game.

Wicked Chops Poker Now Wicked Chops State Lotteries

As you are painfully aware, two weeks ago Senator Bill Frist (R-TN) pulled a Pearl Harbor job on the American democratic system by sneaking anti-online gaming legislation into a bill concerning Port Security, because, well, there is no better way to make sure potential weapons of mass destruction don’t enter this country then by banning the average American from playing online poker.

President Bush is expected to sign the Port Security bill into law this week. Although Samual Adams-esque brave sites like Full Tilt Poker, Full Contact Poker, Bodog, and TruePoker have already stepped up and said they will not back out of the U.S. market, who knows how it will really impact the online poker industry once the bill is signed?

Anyway, there’s an old adage that goes something like, “Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst” or something.

So we here at Wicked Chops Poker are preparing for the absolute, most apocalyptic scenario imaginable in the history of mankind: no more online poker, and no more Wicked Chops Poker.

However, unlike many of the online gaming sites out there, we actually have a Plan B, a plan that is so crazy, it just might work.

Introducing: Wicked Chops State Lotteries!

Until We Have Something Else to Post

There may or may not be breaking Wicked Chops Poker news later today but until then we thought we'd share these poignant videos (above and after the jump) of Kim Jong-il in the compelling docudrama Team America, which when released in 2004 demonstrated firsthand the North Korean leader's absolute disregard for the United Nations, his insatiable desire to build a nuclear arsenal that would threaten the stability of Northeast Asia and the overwhelming isolation he feels because no one takes him, as he says, serirousry . . . that is, until today.

Jamie Gold Knows James Gandolfini

Sorry for the lack of posts today but the entities that comprise Wicked Chops Poker are too busy buying state lottery tickets online, betting on horses, checking into rehab, taking the hearts out of cats, and praising Jesus while IM-ing our 17-year-old "pages" to report on any real poker news other than that we heard James Gandolfini, the actor most famous for once being represented by 2006 WSOP champ Jamie Gold, was seen at Michael Mina's SeaBlue restaurant in the Borgata on Tuesday night eating with none other than 2006 WSOP champ Jamie Gold. Strangely enough the Borgata PR peeps didn't send out a press release on this one which is disappointing because we'd really love to know if Jamie ordered the Lobster Corndogs or the Kobe Beef Carpaccio. We're guessing the Corndogs.

You may be asking why we have a photo of Brooke Burke above when this post is about Jamie Gold dining at Seablue with James Gandolfini, and to that we say there is no such thing as a dumb question EXCEPT for that one. Because this post could be about plasma microturbulence in fusion reactors and a photo of Brooke Burke would make perfect sense. Why you say? Seriously what's with all the questions? Can't you just enjoy pics of Brooke Burke without asking questions?

Oh and for the fun of it, the first person to correctly guess why we thought of using a pic of Brooke Burke with a post about Jamie Gold wins a Wicked Chops Poker t-shirt. One of the links above offers a clue. Sort of. The 5 photos of Brooke Burke after the jump provide no clue whatsoever so don't even bother looking at them.

It's Official: Full Tilt Poker Says "Full Tilt Poker is Here to Stay"

Referring to itself in third person, Full Tilt Poker has just informed its players that they are "here to stay" in spite of the prohibitionist new anti-gaming legislation some in Congress are trying to force upon the American public. Full Tilt's release is one of the most definitive statements yet by a major online site.

To this we say, "Fuck yeah, Full Tilt Poker. Fuck yeah."

Read the release after the jump.

And click here for a full list of "who's in" (Full Contact Poker, Absolute Poker, UB, etc.) and "who's out" (Party Poker, 888, etc.).

The Wicked Chops Poker Tank ...Because We Have Nothing Else to Say Right Now

We were going to call this post "Guess Whose Breasts" but that would have come across as an unrefined and uncivilized attempt to pander to the prurient interests of our readers' minds for the sake of lowbrow amusement and thoughtless blog content, and we prefer not to stoop to such sophomoric antics here at Wicked Chops Poker. But since we have no idea what all that means, go ahead and guess whose breasts these are. Guess right and you might win a WCP shirt or something.

WPT Claims They Are Responsible for Poker's Boom and Are Happy That Congress Is Trying to Ban U.S. Players from Playing Online Poker

Listen, like most people who have penises instead of vaginas, we don't like to read into things too much and over-analyze words. We simply don't have time for that shit.

However, we can't help but notice that the WPT's General Counsel, Adam Pliska, whose name sounds like something we'd make up if we were hitting on some skanky chick at a bar and didn't want them to know who we "really" are ("My name? Uh, I'm Adam. Adam...Pliska."), sounds a little bit "gloaty" in a press release from the WPT concerning the anti-Internet gambling bill. In fact, if you need to put out a press release to state that "you were right" all along about gambling law in America and that you don't expect it to affect your (what) profits because you were right and planned for this all along, well, you end up sounding like someone who we'd really like to punch in the face. Says Pliska:

"The Justice Department has been very clear that it believes online gaming to be illegal in the United States and our policies have been always been tailored accordingly...This law clarifies the rules and makes it possible for everyone to move forward on an even footing."

The WPT's press release also says that poker rooms were closing at a rapid pace pre-WPT, and are now booming all over the country. Yes, the WPT takes full credit for this. ESPN and Chris Moneymaker and online poker had absolutely nothing to do with it. Says Steve Lipscomb from his evil ivory tower overlooking Los Angeles:

"It was a wide-spread love of this game and the reinvention of poker as a televised sport that ignited the poker phenomenon...And, that is what will continue to drive the future of the sport. WPTE remains committed to growing the domestic poker market through traditional franchise opportunities like consumer products, sponsorship and events."

In related news, next week the WPT is planning on dropping a press release claiming they were the first to discover the female orgasm and that they, not Ronald Reagan, deserve all of the credit for the fall of communism.

Roman Moroni on the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act

Leave it to Roman Moroni to provide us with some humor, and reason, in light of Bill Frist's anti-gambling legislative Pearl Harbor attack on the poker world. Said the always able spokesman, Moroni:

"I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy corksuckers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes... like yourselves."

After some clips of Moroni gambling, his exact text from the above quote runs at the 4:15 mark.

More Anti-Gambling Legislative Fallout Fodder: Loopholes, Takeovers, + Does Bill Frist Love the Taliban?

If we believed in using hackneyed sayings, we'd start this post off with something like, "The dust is settling in wake of the U.S. Congress's passage of the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act (the Act)..." and then something like, "and the industry is beginning to sort out its exact ramifications..." or something along those lines.

Instead, we'll say something like, "While Senator/Fuhrer Frist's attempted nuking of the online gaming world caused a cataclysmic panic by some industry (and publicly traded) giants like PartyGaming and 888 Holdings, subsequently submarining their respective stock prices, industry experts have begun forming a consensus opinion of the bill's impact, ranging from potential loopholes to its overall enforceability."

First though, let's make one (or two) things clear: It is more or less agreed upon that the specific language in the bill does not expressly make playing poker online illegal in the U.S. However, Frist (at right, explaining how big his cajones are for slipping this bill through Congress) has publicly said after the Act was passed that "Internet gambling is illegal." So even if the language in Bill's bill doesn't specifically say "online poker is illegal," we know what his intent is, as well as Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-VA), who admitted that this legislation isn't as strongly worded as he would've liked. And if we've learned anything the past few days, it's not to underestimate the power and will of religious right pandering Republican politicians. Unless online companies get their lobbying and legal asses in gear, fundamentalists like Frist and Jon Kyl (R-AZ) may still close all of the loopholes for Internet gambling--unless of course it's for horse racing or lotteries.

Fortunately, for now at least, many experts believe there are in fact some loopholes in the Act that will be difficult to close.

UPDATE: Full Tilt Poker Are Not Big P*ssies + Poker Stars Not Closing U.S. Accounts (yet)

Full Tilt Poker has issued a statement concerning the anti-gaming legislation passed by Congress last Friday, saying that:

"In the short term, we assure you that your online experience at Full Tilt Poker will not change...

...we want to assure you that Full Tilt Poker is legally regulated and licensed to offer its services to anyone around the world and that your day-to-day experience at the site will remain unchanged in all respects."

Other sites, including Bodog, Absolute Poker, WSEX, Ultimate Bet, and uh, Pamela Poker are also claiming to continue business as usual operations in the states. Also of note, the CEO of TruePoker has led a spirited 2+2 Forum thread, saying his company will continue taking U.S. players and are within their rights based on their interpretation of the anti-gaming bill to do so.

And behemoth Poker Stars has issued a statement saying: 1) your money is safe, 2) you have 24/7 access to your funds, and 3) they have not yet made a decision regarding closing U.S. accounts.

For the official or not-so-official statements from a majority of the major sites, visit this 2+2 thread.

Frist Fallout: PartyPoker + 888 Fold, PokerStars Next?

PartyGaming, parent company of PartyPoker.com, has folded to the pressure of the officially out-of-its-mind American Government, deciding to close its U.S.-facing operation and plummeting the value of its shares.

In a regulatory announcement released today, PartyGaming explained:

"After taking extensive legal advice, the Board of PartyGaming Plc has concluded that the new legislation, if signed into law, will make it practically impossible to provide US residents with access to its real money poker and other real money gaming sites. As a result of this development, the Board of PartyGaming has determined that if the President signs the Act into law, the Company will suspend all real money gaming business with US residents, and such suspension will continue indefinitely, subject to clarification of the interpretation and enforcement of US law and the impact on financial institutions of this and other related legislation."

Read the rest of the statement after the jump.

888 Holdings also pulled a France and capitulated to the pressure. They announced they are halting all U.S. facing opps of their business.

Gambling911.com is also saying that the word from "a number of high level internet gambling executives" is that PokerStars will soon follow suit.

On whether Bodog would jump ship now, Bodog's Calvin Ayre told Christopher Costigan of Gambling911.com last night, "Bodog will continue to monitor things as they unfold but is not expected to make any changes until our study is completed."

Neteller is currently in "business as usual" mode until further guidance is provided. But they note that they do not know how NETELLER, "a European company, with no assets, presence or employees in the US, would be affected by this bill."

So who looks like they're sticking around? Full Tilt, Bodog, Ultimate Bet, WSEX, Absolute, and Paradise.

PPA to Continue Fight Against Potential Online Poker Ban

The Poker Player's Alliance has announced that it is continuing its fight to keep online poker legal. The organization will redouble its efforts to ensure online poker receives the same exempt status enjoyed by horse racing while also promoting the taxing and regulating of the game.

On Friday, Senator Bill Frist pulled, as Gorilla Monsoon would say, the ultimate "Pearl Harbor" job by inserting anti-gaming language into an unrelated bill concerning port security. The anti-gaming restrictions in the bill has sent the poker world into a panic. Says PPA prez, Michael Bolcerek, "This last minute deal reeks of political gamesmanship. The American people should be outraged that Congress has hijacked a vital security bill with a poker prohibition that nearly three fourths of the country opposes."

To read the PPA's Action Plan concerning the legislation, click here.

For the PPA's analysis on the Internet Gambling Prohibition Act, click here.

And to join the PPA, click here.

And for more information, click here for a 2+2 Forum FAQ posted on the bill.

Online Gaming Sites to Fight Fascist Frist Legislation

It's about time.

Online gambling sites have mostly been asleep at the wheel as fascists like Bill Frist and Bob Goodlatte (at right) pushed legislation through Congress to prohibit Internet wagering (except for things like horse racing) and poker in the U.S. However, it's reported that some online sites may finally be stepping up to fight this 21st century form of prohibition. The question is, will it be too little too late?

According to Gambling911.com, "litigation brought on by some industry giants and other nations dependent upon internet gambling might hinder the measure pertaining to wagering online."

The site has learned that "at least one industry giant plans to release a statement as early as this coming Monday."