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Wicked Chops State Lotteries Road Trip Report – Part I

When the entities that comprised Wicked Chops Poker became the entities that comprise Wicked Chops State Lotteries last week, we immediately began plotting our first roadtrip to test our wicked lottery number picking chops.

HoldemtennSo over this past weekend, we did just that. Chops, now a Las Vegas resident, flew back to Atlanta to meet up with the brothers Wicked (the Addict and Snake). They rented a mini-van, bought a road map, and said, “Tennessee, here we come!”

Before we continue though, we must address a few questions you probably have:

1) Entities, why Tennessee? Isn’t that your arch nemesis, Senator Bill Frist’s, home state?
WCP: That’s exactly why we’re going to Tennessee. Well, that and because it’s the closest state to Georgia with Texas Hold’em Poker instant scratch game. And because we’re lazy. We mean, we’re committed to this whole State Lotteries project and our website and all, but not “12 hour drive committed,” you know? Also, we hear Tennessee has great new meth labs. Which might answer…

2) Why a mini-van?
WCP: So we can manufacture crystal meth on the ride, our new bedlam ensuing drug of choice. Cocaine is so 20 years ago. And by “20 years ago” we mean “this past summer.” Here’s the thing though, we started to dabble a little with the meth, and by “dabble” we mean “smoke at least four to five times a day” and we discovered that we ensue forms of bedlam that we never even thought possible for us. Crazy sick shit. Wake up with a horse's cock in your mouth kind of shit. Crazy.

3) Ok, great, so it sounds like bedlam is going to ensue? But when?
WCP: Right now.

MethmissionFor this exciting lotto blowout, we were men on a mission (see at left). Which is not to be confused with us being men in motion. John Parr owns the rights to that, and we don't want to have any copyright infringement issues with him. Trust us, if you've met John Parr, then you know you don't EVER fuck with John Parr.

So we loaded up the mini(van) with the following essentials for ANY roadtrip: Sudafed, Iodine crystals, Red Phosphorus, Colemans fuel, Muriatic Acid (HCl), Acetone, methanol, tubing & PVC connectors, flask, Red Devil Lye, PH strips, Vision Ware Bowl (must sustain high temps), and portable Bunsen burner, as well as and IV, adrenaline shots, some Gatorade, Golden Grain, small candy, and Gardetto’s…and off we went!

Snake was driving as the Addict and Chops sat in the back, mixing chemicals and debating their favorite slang names for meth. Chops listed some of his favorites as “Albino Poo,” “Barney Dope,” “Crack Whore,” “Crizzy,” “Ice,” and “Whizz.” The Addict said he preferred “Bato,” “Beegokes,” “Hank,” and “Stoo-pid.”

Snake chimed in from the front, “Hey guys, don’t forget Biznack.”


However, the roadtrip almost came to a very quick halt as Chops and the Addict made an ill-advised drinking game out of U2’s song “Numb.” Chops suggested that for each time U2’s The Edge says the word “Don’t” in the song that they take a shot. This was a terrible idea. Within seconds, literally, poor Snake had to pull over as Chops and the Addict began throwing up like Lardass in the Wil Wheaton classic, Stand By Me.

It was a lot of puke.

After hooking up to an IV (as in intravenous, not the number 4, dumbass), Chops and the Addict were back to more or less normal, and continued making meth while reeling off their favorite names, apparently having blacked out the exact same conversation from earlier.

“You guys are like Bubba from Forrest Gump with those fucking names.” Snake said.

To which the Addict recited his favorite Forrest Gump dialogue sequence:
“You ever been on a real shrimp boat Forrest?”
”No, but I’ve been on a real big boat.”

Laughter ensued.

When the Entities finally crossed the Tennessee border, high fives abounded. Not so much because they had crossed the border into Tennessee and could now play the $100,000 Texas Hold’em instant scratch game, but because Chops and the Addict just completed cooking up the batch of meth.

“Hot rails?” Snake said.

“Spark it up.” Said the Addict.

Snake pulled over to a gas station that also just happened to sell lottery tickets.

White_trash_bash_1“Hold up, hold up.” Chops said. “We gotta call Tammi and Bobby Sue (at right) and let them know where here. If they find out we’re smoking glass without them, they’ll have our asses!”

So with a wisely placed call to Tammi and Bobby Sue, who promised to be on their way “right quick,” the Entities created a wonderful cloud of chemical smoke in the mini-van.

“All right all right let’s go into that store and play the fucking lottery man!” Snake said.

“Hee hee hee hee I’m gonna scratch me some fucking winners man and then we’re gonna be more rich man and it’s gonna be fucking wild man!” Chops said.

“Hey guys I have an idea fuck buying lottery tickets let’s rob the place of the lottery tickets and then we can play for free how’s that sound that’s totally what we should do I’m ‘all-in’ bros!” the Addict said. The Entities looked at each other. They knew exactly what had to be done. They flung open the door to the mini-van and ran inside.

“Nobody move, nobody gets hurt! We’re just here for the lottery tickets!”

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Kid Dynamite

waking up with a horse's cock in your mouth... phew - I'm glad I'm not the only one... Chops - between your demented mind and mine, we could clearly write a top notch screen play.

Speaking of Tennessee - I've never been, but after college, several of my pledge brothers went on a nationwide road trip, and one story that stood out was the one about the 18 year old stripper in Tennessee who inverted herself in my friend's lap. and gave HERSELF the Texas Shocker during a lapdance.

good times.

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