Turks & Caicos Trip Report - Part I

(Note: This post originally appeared in 1996 on the now defunct chopshere.com)

"F*cking Olympics."

For over two years the Entities that comprise the Wicked Chops Drinking Club have been saying that repeatedly throughout Atlanta. The traffic. Construction. Influx of new residents. And now, foreigny athletes and even more foreigny media. It was overwhelming. Over the course of a few years our city turned from a backwards, overtly racist, small metropolis to a covertly racist, large metropolis. And this summer, as you know, the world converged on us. Celebs like Jack Nicholson are spotted in Midtown restaurants. Creepy gymnasts who are thisclose to being midgets trot through the Highlands like they're the 7 dwarfs. In fact, the only fun to be had was partying with the Nigerian contingent at Sanford Stadium during the soccer games. They were awesome.

So basically, overall we essentially decided we had had it. Enuff z’ nuff, we said. It was time to get out of town and hit the seas.

Chops, Snake (at right), and the Addict packed up our bags with the essentials for any yachting road trip. Booze. Condoms. Adrenaline shots. Heroin (totally chic at the time). Penicillin. Pearl Jam CDs (Chops prefers Vitalogy although No Code is growing on him, Snake prefers Ten, and the Addict doesn’t like Pearl Jam, preferring Soul Asylum). Beck’s Odelay. Gardettos. Small candy. A VHS of Trainspotting. Booze. Heroin (totally chic at the time). And condoms.

We called up five of our favorite girlfriends and took off to Savannah where the "Doesn't Get Any Vedder", our 80-foot Sunseeker, was docked.

To get there, we rented a minivan. Not sure why, but it seemed like the right thing to do. The Addict even commented that in the future, he thinks everyone will have jetpacks. He also said that he plans to rent minivans for all road trips in the future.

Deciding to hold off on playing our CD collection until we got on the yacht, we turned on 99x, our favorite station. “Man, I’m so glad they went to an alternative format four years ago,” Chops noted while plunging a needle in his arm. A needle filled with heroin, by the way.

Snake said, “Dude, you know whatever song comes on the radio next is going to be the ‘song of the road trip.”

"I totally know that. First song of the first needle is the track." Chops replied.

We all crossed our collective fingers. Ironically, it was a song from Collective Soul. “Gel.”

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!" we all replied. Even Stephanie and Jennifer briefly stopped making out to scream in protest.

"At least it wasn’t ‘One of Us’ from Joan Osbourne." The Addict noted.

"No doubt," Snake said.

"Yeah, I couldn’t handle a road trip with ‘Just a Girl’ as the theme." The Addict said.

"No, I was just saying, ‘No doubt’ like, ‘yeh dude I totally understand.’"

Snake and the Addict shook hands and moved on.

Eventually, after engaging in a game called, "Do Heroin and Bang the Girls We Are With," the Entities arrived in Savannah. Actually, first there was a brief stop in a Macon bathroom were Jennifer (at right) needed to handle some business.

"All right," Snake said. "Before we get going, we need to write down our three tenants for partying like a rock star on this trip."

"Why?" Chops asked.

"Yeah, that's a good question, I don't know why," replied Snake.

"I disavowed tenants over 5 years ago. We don't live by so-called 'rules'," chimed in the Addict.

Snake and Chops nodded in agreement, once again in awe of the eldest Entity's wisdom.

Nearing the docks, the Addict looked at the girls behind him, then to his fellow entities and said, “Ok boys, first rule of this roadtrip: we’re popping bottles with models and there's nothing stopping us!” The group high-fived like the cover of Ten, boarded the Vedder, and prepped to be on their way.

The Addict donned his skipper cap and grabbed a map. “Where to this time?”

Chops said, “Man I don’t care. And island with some drugs.”

Snake examined the map. “You know, this Turks and Caicos looks interesting.”

At that moment Chops eyes popped out of his head like a cartoon wolf spotting a hot female wolf. “Oh my God. Holy shit. Oh man. Uh-huh-huh-huh.”

"What? What is it?" Snake said.

"Oh man. Oh my God. Holy shit."

(45 minutes later…)

Chops, still clutching his stomach, said, “The capital…of the island…it’s named…it’s named…Cockburn Town!”

Everyone burst into laughter for a few minutes, which was then followed by the popping of champagne, celebrating the selection of Cockburn Town as our destination.

"Well, it’s off to Cockburn Town!" the Addict said.

Chops looked back at Stephanie. He tapped Snake on the shoulder. “See that one right there? The one with the Rachael haircut?”

"Oh yeah." said Snake.

"Well let’s just say we’re going to turn my room into Cockburn Town tonight. If you know what I mean."

"Yeah buddy. This yacht is going to be a floating Cockburn Town, if you know what I mean."

[The next three days were a total drug induced blur]

Eventually, the Entities docked in Cockburn Town. Well, they’d been docking in Cockburn Town for a few days, but literally they docked in the city.

A sign greeted us: “Welcome to Cockburn Town. Let the bedlam ensue.”

We took that as a sign that bedlam would soon be ensuing...

Check back for Part II tomorrow.