The Wicked Chops Poker Awards

In our Bluff Magazine article this month, we introduced what we think is possibly our first ever Wicked Chops Poker Awards.

Below are those awards. However, we're expanding this list. For real. For the remainder of the week. So check back tomorrow and Friday. Cause this shit is prestigious.

Today's awards are presented by Denise Milani (at right, more here).

Best Poker Player While Drinking Alcohol Award: Scotty Nguyen. Many poker players claim they play better while drunk. But poker isn’t like driving or having sex. For the most part, alcohol impairs your poker judgment and performance, or it at least turns you into a first class a-hole (Exhibit A: Men the Master Nguyen vs. Erick Lindgren WPT World Poker Open this past January). However, Scotty Nguyen defies all logic here. He’s insanely entertaining, makes saying “baby” incredibly cool, and plays some vicious poker while downing longneck after longneck. The dude even pulls off a Jerry Curl mullet. And he’s got a wife that’s not bad on the eyes. See, drinking does really make you more attractive to the opposite sex. That’s an important life lesson there for all of our female readers.

Best Impersonation of Al Krux Award: Jason Lester. Seriously, is there any difference between these two guys? Can any one tell them apart? If Al Krux busts out during Level 1 of a tournament, does he go back up to the cage and re-buy claiming he’s Jason Lester? No one would even question this, right?
UPDATE: Since publishing this one, the same rules apply to Lee Markholt and Lee Watkinson.

Best Poker Nickname: Darrell “Deep” Dicken. OK, so maybe we’re the only ones who call him by this nickname. But seriously, try saying Darrell “Deep” Dicken without laughing. Speaking of deep dicken, here's that link to Denise Milani again.

Best Female Poker Player: Tie. Whoa boy. That’s a funny one. Best female poker player. That’s grand. Pretty sure they’re all tied for last on this one.

Best Female Poker Player For Real: Annette Obrestad. Yeah yeah, we know. Jennifer Harmon crushes cash games. Annie Duke is an extremely talented mixed game player. We get it. And they’re both great. But Annette Obrestad won the WSOP Europe Main Event in dominating fashion. That makes her the one and only female (Old) World Champion. And since we’re all about labeling people (it just makes life easier), that’s all the proof we need. Long live the Queen, Annette_15.

Best Poker Playing Dragon: David “The Dragon” Pham*. Dragons are commonly viewed as symbols of good luck in Asia. In America, they are viewed as dominant poker players.

Most Intense Poker Stare: The Intense Stare of Scott Clements. There is a running joke in the NBA that Theo Ratliff should formally change his name to “Theo Ratliff’s Expiring Contract” because he (and his expiring contract) seem to have been perpetually on the trading block for the past year and are always lumped together when being referred to. In the case of Scott Clements, the same rules apply. You just can’t think of Scott Clements without thinking of the absolutely intense stare that beams from his face in every photo ever taken of him. When that boy came out of the womb, even the nurses were like, “Na’ah. I'm not spanking this motherfucker. You see that stare?.” The Intense Stare of Scott Clements once had a staring contest against Death, and Death flinched. The Intense Stare of Scott Clements once stepped in quicksand, and the quicksand couldn’t escape and nearly drowned. We could go on for days with this.

Female Poker Player with the Best Mouth: …wait, that’s kind of creepy.

* Not a real dragon.

Comments

[Schimshamity]

It's "Jheri Curl".

/Soul Glo

Sorry. The site is still funny.