Surely You Can't Be CEREUS

CEREUS is the name of the new Absolute Poker + UB super poker platform, which not ironically at all is also the name of the genus name for a cactus plant, as CEREUS will likely leave your account as dry as a desert.

In what has to be the best news ever for people who enjoy buying timeshares, taking part in pyramid schemes, flushing their money down the toilet, or simply getting robbed, Ultimate Bet and Absolute Poker have decided to "integrate customers and features" and create one big super user account scamming online poker platform called CEREUS.

According to the press release:

Today, the management of both Absolute Poker and UltimateBet announced the upcoming launch of CEREUS: a new poker platform that will integrate the customers and features from both poker rooms, instantly making CEREUS the third largest online poker network.

Also according to the press release:

CEREUS is the result of more than 12 months innovation and development.

We'd love to sit in on those R&D meetings. "Ok guys, we've developed some ground-breaking super-user technology that will more randomize results so the guy manning the account doesn't actually win EVERY SINGLE hand, minimizing short-term profits but enabling us to present more logical long-term winnings." "Brilliant!"*

There is so much wrong and ridiculous about this it's, um, ridiculous. Doesn't matter though as it seems most people don't care and keep playing these sites. Regardless, read the full press release on the WCP forum here and pick out your favorite lines. For a reminder on why you should never, EVER play on these sites, go here, here, here, and here.

Related, Joanna Krupa doing Ed Hardy is cereusly super.

* Sadly, this conversation might've actually happened.