Miss Panama Is The New Miss Teen South Carolina

Our regular readers know that our frequent use of the term "U.S. Americans" is a tribute to our favorite ever pagaent contestant, Miss Teen South Carolina.

Now we don't speak Panamanian, so for all we know she really said something intelligent here about the positive impact of microeconomics in African countries, but since this video is on the Internet, then there's a 99.99% that the translation in it is accurate, because 99.99% of what you read on the Internet is true.

So with that out of the way, here is Miss Panama trying her best to out-do Miss Teen South Carolina.

 

* Thanks to reader John for the link.

SNL's Happy Mother's Day (VIDEO)

We were kind of creeped out at this at first, but like the act of sleeping with a friend's mother, we got over it pretty quickly. Insta-classic, and happy mother's day to all of you...a woman...out there.

We Didn't Start the Flame War

While we've never really actively participated in the comments on our site or in forums, we haven't disavowed the concept that flaming on comment sections and forums actually does exist. For all of you who do flame, enjoy.

Amir's Bad Beat

We've been following Amir and Streeter's Prank Wars on collegehumor.com for some time now. So we've been wondering when the hell Streeter was going to get Amir back for the fake proposal at Yankee Stadium.

A year and a half later, Streeter figured out a way to exact sound revenge by getting Amir to do a fake $500,000 half-court shot. Hopefully the next one doesn't escalate into one of their own's death.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Scotty Nguyen as A Young Boy?

This video purportedly shows a 2 year-old Chinese kid smoking and cursing in front of his parents. To this we say, "How do we know that he's really swearing?" Learning Chinese is like trying to read a woman's mind or mood. It's fucking impossible.

Bigger Epic Fail?

What's a bigger epic fail, this chick below on Wheel of Fortune or BuckLox's play?

Somebody needs to give this BuckLox a freaking sitcom, btw. If nothing else, watch the stretch from the 9 to the 10 minute mark.

We Hope Mats Sundin Sits at Our Table

All right, Poker Stars. If you're gonna do these athlete celeb sponsors, let's lay down a couple rules: 1) no gingers (ah-hem), and 2) at least kind of sort of educate them on some poker basics.

Now we all know Canadians basic passions in life go something in order like ice fishing-->curling-->socialism-->Bare Naked Ladies-->hockey. So the entire nation of Canada then probably saw Mats Sundin on Hockey Night in Canada After Hours not able to answer a basic poker question from special call-in guest, Daniel Negreanu.

Go to about 2:30 in the vid. Guess Mats needs to spend more time on PokerVT.

Detective T.J. Cookier On The Case

It's no secret, we're suckers for all things Cookier.

So it's worth quickly noting there's a fantastic new thread here where Detective T.J. Cookier takes a crack at solving who at Ultimate Bet is threatening Nat Arem.

Extra props to Todd Brunson for chiming in and commissioning some personal Photoshop work (view thread page here).

Second Worst Beat of the Year?

All right, after posting that poor kid who didn't get the X-Box for Christmas, we're getting some emails now on other bad beats this year.

This is probably one of the worst beats we've seen on an inanimate object in awhile. This poor table. It was just sitting there. It wasn't expecting this behemoth of a woman to get on it. "All right, this chick has a pretty voice. I'm enjoying this. Beautiful. Hey. Wait. What are you going. Get...get off. Get. Off. Me. No. Don't step there. Ouch. Owww! Nooooo!"

Skip to around 2:45 in the vid...

Worst Beat of the Year

The Entities were recently thinking, "What was the absolute worst beat of 2008?" We were going to award it to Marc Podell solely for his gut-wrenching reaction in this clip from the WSOP Main Event...that was until reader Johnny Argues sent us a link to the below video.

Guess you gotta learn young that life is very unfair...

An Equivalent Seriously WTF Moment

Slow poker news day, so we're sitting around racking our brains trying to figure out what an equivalent "seriously wtf" moment would be to seeing a shirtless Lee Watkinson with panthers on a billboard outside McCarren International in Las Vegas...

...and that moment would be sitting on a sofa in 1983, watching Mtv, and this fucking thing comes on for the first time.

Seriously WTF

We've been meaning to write about the ridiculous billboard just outside McCarren International Airport in Las Vegas with Lee Watkinson and some panthers for months, but kept forgetting.

Fortunately someone had the above photo posted in the 2+2 "Poker players that look like animals" thread and it reminded us, seriously wtf is up with Lee Watkinson? Panthers? Can you at least get a real website? 

She Should Work for UltimateBet

In case anyone has forgotten, UltimateBet and Absolute Poker robbed people of their money and may bring down the entire online poker industry because of it.

We were thinking to our collective selves, "UB really, REALLY needs someone capable of working with regulators in finally getting down to the bottom of all instances of super-user fraud. This person needs to fit their culture of know-nothingness."

Think we found the perfect candidate.*

Editor's Note: Consider this "equal opportunity ragging for those who think we go over the top on the Obama-Muslim jokes.

The FUPA

All right, we got some feedback on Benjo's Girl on the Rail pic from yesterday, and it made us think of the below video. Take a quick break from the tourney action so you all can appreciate the FUPA (audio NSFW).

It's the fat upper...well...just watch it.

John McCain Shuns Cookier, Picks VPILF(TM)

In a shocking reversal, John McCain has dumped one-time VP running mate T.J. Cookier from his ticket and has now opted for VPILF^TM Sarah Palin (R-Alaska).

Quote McCain's camp:

"While T.J. Cookier has served his country well for many, many years, his love of craps and inability to win 'the big one' ultimately led us to change course. Plus, we'd much rather look at Sarah Palin for the next 8 years than an old, crumbly cookie. Even if he is delicious."

Cookier could not yet be reached for comment.

Palin has sexily served as Alaskas sultry Governor for the past two years, more than qualifying her for the most important job in the world.

When not governing Alaska, Palin wears skimpy lingerie around the house and gives hot oil body massages.

As reader APOSEC72 has already commented on our site, "Actually, [McCain's] pick could double as a Friday Night Parting Shot."

While we won't go that far, more Sarah Palin pics after the jump. Very hot for teachery...

Catching Up With 2008 WSOP Gingers of the Day

Don't hate on James "mig.com" Mackey. The kid's got game.

We all know that being a ginger is one of the toughest things anyone has to endure in life.

The orange hair. The freckles. The lack of a soul.

While some gingers we featured during the 2008 World Series of Poker have embraced their gingerism, others are just coming to terms with it. (revisit our ginger super-thread here)

Take James "mig.com" Mackey. In a recent $100r tourney on Stars, Mackey was insulted with the following slurs after sucking out with As-9s (posted here on the Pocket 5's thread tilted "I didnt realize people hated gingers so much"):

pykesgoinpro: lol the ginger wins it
BabyGrand [observer]: even a fkn ginger 12 year old can do it
pykesgoinpro: just dont like poepel with aids or gingavitus

On a side note, in the same thread, hats off to poster mathclub for this pmp comment:

"my friend has a ginger brother and sister but he is normal.  talk about dodging bullets."

However, other gingers, like Jon "Pearljammer" Turner (a two-time Ginger of the Day by request) and Super Ginger Cory Albertson have embraced their God-given lack of having a soul.

In his awesomely titled "It's Orange Not Red" blog, Albertson says:

"I take great pride in that my ginger hair, sunglasses, and track jacket were good enough for me to be dubbed the "Super Ginger" of the WSOP. Hey... it's better than nothing!"

Even Last Ginger Standing^TM finalist Sean Davis embraced his inner-ginger with an email to WCP. Maybe hit us up again and we'll ship a t-shirt.

We'll keep tracking the progress of all your favorite gingers in upcoming tournaments. Why? Because someone has to.

Nothing to Do With Poker Links

Kind of the dog days of summer right now, with only a blah PokerStars.net LAPT final table to write about (get results here). So with a general lack of poker news (warning, everytime we say this some big and usually bad happens soon thereafter), here's some weekend time killer links.

:: An awesome prank call using the voice of Wanderlei Silva. [link]

:: Pineapple Express was great and hottie Amber Heard is greater. [link]

:: About time someone made a documentary on the March of Shame. [link]

:: Don't need to say much more than: Brazilian bikini contest catfight. [link]

:: All right a small bit of poker news, thanks to SomethingAboutPoker (via the WCP Forum) for about the only video interviews you can find on The November 9^TM. [link]

:: The digitally altered voice of Batman sings the classics. [link]

:: Dominos Pizza testing the limits of what you will eat. [link]

:: Sometimes finding your car keys isn't a good thing. [link]

And finally below in our continuing "thanks to Kid Dynamite for this one series, " it's the best Guinness ad ever made (although it was not actually made by Guinness).

Can Somebody at Full Tilt Poker Please Make This Happen?

Typically if you wait long enough, something that was once funny but got old gets funny again. Like with us Entities, we never stopped saying "Waaazzzzuuuup" cause it never ceased being funny just started saying "Waaazzzuuup" again because it's been long enough that it's funny.

So hopefully the last couple of weeks the T.J. Cookier stuff (in case you missed it, here) saw it's shelf-life revived a bit.

With that said, even if it's not funny again just yet, could anyone at Full Tilt Poker please make a Cookier avatar? Or would it crash the servers because every player on the site would simultaneously select Cookier as their avatar?

Not sure why they don't. They already have a Jerry Buss (left of Cookier) and a stupid sexy Helen Mirren looking one that for some reason all the Scandinavians seem to pick.

Editor's Note: For 3 1/2 years every time we type Scandinavians we've spelled it wrong and it's been corrected by spell check. So thank you spell check.

So That's What Gank Has Been Up To...

Got this one from Kid Dynamite's blog and had to share. This idiot from Fresno below decided that he'd bet some weed at a blackjack table instead of cash. The reporter saying "sticky marijuana buds" is awesome.

Nothing To Do With Poker Links

Audrina Patridge is the Phil Ivey of celeb bikini photos right now.

:: Not-so-candid candid bikini shots of celebs are all the rage and Audrina Patridge is the current champ. [link]

:: Sophie Monk is a close second. [link]

:: Anna Kournikova is always a winner. [link]

:: Hottest web cam video of a girl dancing ever? [link] (NSFW)

:: Dumb redneck doing a kegstand . . . what could go wrong? [link]

:: Same as above except replace redneck with Japanese kid and replace kegstand with the impossible swingset 360. [link]

:: We don't know anything about Eva Laskari, except we do know what she looks like topless in the latest issue of Maxim Greece. [link] (NSFW)

:: For those who say we don't feature hot Asian girls enough here, try Mayuko Iwasa. [link]

:: Sienna Miller is friendly in public with other people's husbands. [link]

:: Howabout some not-so-candid candid photos of Victoria's Secret models Adriana Lima, Izabel Goulart, Gisele Bundchen and Karolina Kurkova. [link]

:: Just a reminder, there is absolutely nothing funny about this video. [link]

:: Agent Provocateur models seem fun. [link]

This Is Also Unfortunate

While this photo of Johnny Chan definitely wasn't funny, the above vid is absolutely not funny for any numerous reasons at all and who the fuck is Jeff Jensen?

TJ Cookier Funniest Thing Ever?

It's taken us a few days to get to this because we've been laughing non-stop for two days, but the TJ Cookier thread over at a forum we refuse to name could be one of the funniest things in the history of ever.

Kudos to all who Photoshop'd Cookier into various states of hilarity. Cookier might just be the greatest hero in the history of poker, so it's good to see him finally get his just due.

View (or review) the whole thread here, each page has a new gem.

It's highly possible Cookier might be making several appearances in our Girls on the Rail series in the Wicked Chops Poker forum.

The Following are Wicked Chops Poker Trademarks(TM)

Pictures of hot chicks railbirding guys out-of-focus...trademarked.

There seems to be a lot of "confusion" right now among the so-called poker "media" as to what we have trademarked and what we don't. "Entities," we keep hearing, "we don't want to be sued. It's not kosher. Can you please tell us what you have trademarked ... and ... what you don't?"

Listen, the last thing we want to be are a bunch of Litigious Lennys^TM, so here's a list of the terms we have trademarked so you don't overstep your bounds and we don't have to get lawyers involved. Because no one likes lawyers. Not even lawyers.

TRADEMARKED TERMS:

The Year of the Pro
On life support
The action has been fast and furious (we're looking at you, Card Player)
Litigious Lennys
Big named big stacks
So-called poker "media"
Sent to the rail
The Last Woman Standing
Chipping up
Pokertainment
Tao of Poker
Guinness and Poker
Poker

Hopefully that sets things straight and you can proceed without the veil of uncertainty hanging over your head.

Also, if you use any of the above trademarked terms, you owe us five dollars.

Poker Pro Dave "Devilfish" Ulliott Sings Chocolate Rain, But Does He Understand Its Deep Social Message?

The world first fell in love with Dave "Devilfish" Ulliott when he played creeky the old rocky (Billy Mack) who scored a cheesy comeback Christmas hit in 2003's holiday classic Love Actually Dave "Devilfish" Ulliott grabbed the public's attention as on of the first real "colorful" personalities during the early stages of the poker TV boom.

Little did we or anyone else know the wicked singing chops Ulliott possesses. With the phrasing of Sinatra, the swagger of Jagger, and the voice of Billy Bob Thorton, Ulliott takes Tay Zonday's Internet classic "Chocolate Rain" and makes it his own, giving it his own spin, starting it off a little pitchy but working it out he's in the zone and can sing the phonebook dawg.

No but seriously what the fuck is this?

Dave "Devilfish" Ulliott sings Chocolate Rain video

This Guy May Be at the 2008 WSOP

Somehow or another we missed this at last year's World Series of Poker.

Which is good. Because while most people are creeped out by clowns, we're creeped out by magicians.

And for good reason. David Copperfield. Criss Angel. David Blaine. Scott Lazar.

The list goes on and on.

And now we hear rumors that Chet Lightning might--might--make several appearances at the 2008 WSOP. What does he have up his sleeve? Hopefully something better than what he unleashed last year on Lacey Jones.

Chet Lightning at the 2007 WSOP video

More Chet Lightning here.

Best 2+2 Thread Ever? Or Worst?

We're not exactly the biggest fans of 2+2, but occassionally they have a good gossip or thought-provoking thread.

However this one is neither gossipy or thought-provoking.

Unless you think pooping your pants while 8-tabling is thought-provoking.

Pics (NSFW) of the incident here.

In somewhat related news, pics of Brooklyn Decker (above) pooping her pants might actually still be hot. In related news, pics of Brooklyn Decker here.

* "Thanks" to Kid Dynamite for the link.

I'm Not Your Friend (Remix)

This has close to nothing to do with poker other than the Entities love South Park and we have to do with poker. So...as noted in this blog a few weeks ago, Canada on Strike is one of our new all-time favorite episodes of South Park. And the "I'm not your friend, buddy" banter is a staple of our daily conversation now.

Lucky for us a YouTube user named SelfX86 feels the same and made one of the greatest remixes ever in the history of the world. If this guy got a hold of The Poker Rap that song would probably blow the fuck up. At least get him hooked up with John Parr. That guy needs a comeback album.

I'm Not Your Friend, Buddy Remix

This One is Too Good

Another online poker tutorial video from gder01, and this one just might be his best. Really, there are too many good nuggets of info on MTT strategy in this one to list them all. Just watch and learn.

Online Poker Pro Shares Winning Strategy (#2) video here.

Best Online Poker Strategy Video Ever

We don't know what Full Tilt Poker was thinking in signing the CardRunners gang when there's the guy below doing advanced instructional poker videos on YouTube for free. He goes by john voight on 2p2, gder01 on YouTube and "Water Boat" on FTP, and his SNG/MTT strategies will blow your mind and force you to rethink everything you thought you knew about poker.

Pushing with A-K when you're short-stacked? Not so fast. Don't think Q7 is a great hand to slow play? Think again. Can't grasp that getting all your chips in on the first hand of a tournament with pocket twos in a 4-way pot is a "magical" scenario? You're probably not a winning player.

These videos are a "must see" for any new player signing up to play online poker for the first time. Just please tell us when and where you're playing so we know to stay away from your table.

Watch one of his better tutorials below. Also be sure to check out Lesson #20 - Erections and Poker and Lesson #17 - Pocket Pairs. And for wicked chops on the guitar, check out his popular 6 Easy Guitar Solo Techniques video. One of us watched it last night and just got signed as the new lead guitarist for Nickleback. It's that good!

Online Poker Video Tutorial Strategy for Winning Money here.

PS: Be sure to check out his groundbreaking Poker Pro Cash Game Strategy video here.

Waaaaiiit A Minute Here...Salty Joe Hachem and Britney Spears an Item?

Listen, the first last thing we want Wicked Chops Poker to be is a rumor-monger website. But how this one has gone unreported by "mainstream" media is beyond us.

With the 2008 Aussie Millions Main Event in full swing, it's time to address a potential non-Brandi-Hawbaker bombshell about one of Australias favorite non-native sons.

The pop culture world has been buzzing about Britney Spears and this new boyfriend (fiance?) of hers, "Adnan Ghalib." However, can we be so sure that this "Adnan Ghalib" isn't actually 2005 WSOP Main Event champ "Salty" Joe Hachem?

Evidence: 1) If you were to make up a name, "Adnan Ghalib" would have to be one of your first choices, right behind "Chandrasekhar Billavara" and "Lance McCrackin", 2) Who the fuck still has a flavor-saver...like only one person in the world still does that, right?, and 3) the photos below.

Like we said, the absolute very first last thing we want to do is spread false rumors, but you be the judge...

 

Mike the Mouth Matusow Was On Kathy Griffin's D-List

This probably came out a year ago, but we don't watch "My Life on the D-List" with Kathy Griffin. And going by the old rule that, "if we just saw it, then it technically qualifies as breaking news to us," then we are proud to first report that Mike "the Mouth" Matusow made a [recent?] appearance on Kathy Griffin's "My Life on the D-List."

Mike takes Kathy on an obviously staged blind date. In between staring at Kathy's boobs (respect) and A.D.D.'ing up, Mike managed to leave a great impression on Kathy.

Says Kathy: "He emotionally is about four."

Says Mike: "I'm a complete moron."

Matusow appears not to have been able to close the deal, which is really no knock on him anyway, since the date was obviously staged. Having said this, any of us Entities would've totally closed the deal, staged or not. Fire in the hole!

At the end, a "paparazzi" shows up, and by "paparazzi" we mean Card Player's Rich Belsky, who also doubles as Mike's agent.

Watch the clip here.

Turks & Caicos Trip Report - Part I

(Note: This post originally appeared in 1996 on the now defunct chopshere.com)

"F*cking Olympics."

For over two years the Entities that comprise the Wicked Chops Drinking Club have been saying that repeatedly throughout Atlanta. The traffic. Construction. Influx of new residents. And now, foreigny athletes and even more foreigny media. It was overwhelming. Over the course of a few years our city turned from a backwards, overtly racist, small metropolis to a covertly racist, large metropolis. And this summer, as you know, the world converged on us. Celebs like Jack Nicholson are spotted in Midtown restaurants. Creepy gymnasts who are thisclose to being midgets trot through the Highlands like they're the 7 dwarfs. In fact, the only fun to be had was partying with the Nigerian contingent at Sanford Stadium during the soccer games. They were awesome.

So basically, overall we essentially decided we had had it. Enuff z’ nuff, we said. It was time to get out of town and hit the seas.

Chops, Snake (at right), and the Addict packed up our bags with the essentials for any yachting road trip. Booze. Condoms. Adrenaline shots. Heroin (totally chic at the time). Penicillin. Pearl Jam CDs (Chops prefers Vitalogy although No Code is growing on him, Snake prefers Ten, and the Addict doesn’t like Pearl Jam, preferring Soul Asylum). Beck’s Odelay. Gardettos. Small candy. A VHS of Trainspotting. Booze. Heroin (totally chic at the time). And condoms.

We called up five of our favorite girlfriends and took off to Savannah where the "Doesn't Get Any Vedder", our 80-foot Sunseeker, was docked.

To get there, we rented a minivan. Not sure why, but it seemed like the right thing to do. The Addict even commented that in the future, he thinks everyone will have jetpacks. He also said that he plans to rent minivans for all road trips in the future.

Saving Bodog.com One Naked Girl at a Time

In a marketing gimmick that we swear we had nothing to do with, a group called the Coalition Against Patent Trolls has launched the "Save Bodog.com" campaign, demanding the return of Bodog.com from the so-called "patent trolls" at 1st Technology LLC, which had swiped the URL away from Bodog after it obtained a default judgment in a Nevada court.

Billed as a "non-profit sector of CAPT," the Save Bodog.com group has its own website, SaveBodog.com, that is blogging their photoshopped images well-orchestrated activities as well as providing links to a petition you can sign, t-shirts you can buy and even a "protester kit" you can download.

In a move straight out of PETA's handbook, so much so that they are using the exact same naked girls on the exact same street corner posing the exact same way with the exact same "muffs" as PETA, the campaign has Bodog Girls getting naked and hitting the streets of New York City wrapped in signs that say "Save Bodog.com."

Says one distraught Bodog Girl, "It's like, without bodoggirls.com I feel totally naked. Before all of this, I always felt safe behind our URL. Now it's been stolen and locked away by some slimy rat bastard lawyer. Do you know how exposed that makes us feel? That's why we’ve organized this naked protest. We want the world to see what we’re going through."

Uh, drop the sign sweetie and then we'll see what you're going through. Or better yet, how about getting Joanna Krupa to go naked for the cause, as we've been calling on Bodog to do for two years now.

In related news, Bodog's man-in-charge Calvin Ayre is using his personal blog to comment on a recent post by Frank Schilling, who thinks the whole Bodog.com to NewBodog.com to BodogLife.com was a poor move and that Calvin should have bought some generic domain like InternetCasino.com instead.

We thought long and hard about what Schilling had to say, and our counter-argument is that Schilling's a dumbass. There was something else we had to say in response but it pretty much drew the same conclusion, that the guy's a dumbass.

Ok, go look at some real Bodog Girls.

Bill Gazes Is Not Very Athletic

Finally somebody put this up on YouTube. If you missed last week's 2007 WSOP Main Event broadcast, then you missed poker pro Bill Gazes' epic attempt at kicking a field goal and celebrating joyously afterward. And by "kicking" we mean "not kicking." And by "celebrating joyously afterward" we mean "getting bonked in the head with a football while on the ground in pain."

In semi-related unrelated news, Bill's ex-wife Kristy Gazes won the Season 6 WPT Ladies Night Event in the looks department and by outlasting her competition at the table, which included Linda Johnson, Pamela Brunson, Mimi Tran, Melissa Hayden and JJ Liu. Watch the WPT's fantastically cute Kimberly Lansing interview Gazes after the jump.

Hitler Loves The Online Poker

Got this in an email then saw it on Bill Rini's site and worth posting here too. Just watch the video if you haven't already. The part about getting a FTP jersey with "Hitler" on the back at the end is classic.

Gavin Smith vs. Joe Sebok: The LAPC Ass-Tattoo'ing Last Longer Prop Bet

Over the years, we've tattooed a number of things on our collective asses: "Live free or die." "Poop comes out of here." A Groucho Marx face. The lyrics to "Silent Lucidity."

Now replace all of the preceding with "nothing," and somewhere in between lies the truth.*

One thing we certainly wouldn't put on our ass: someone else's name.

That's why we love Gavin Smith and Joe Sebok.

In Part I of their latest Prop Bets, filmed last month at the WPT LAPC, Smith and Sebok put more than money on the line. They put their pride. See who gets their ass tatt'd (or read our posts from last month) on RawVegas.tv.

*New favorite saying...for the next couple of days at least.

A Word to Our Lady Readers About Valentine's Day

Ladies,

The Entities that comprise Wicked Chops Enterprises LLC are experts when it comes to that crazy little thing called "love", which we understand is a French word that translates roughly to "when a man bangs a woman senselessly until her eyes roll back in her head in exchange for having her do his laundry, clean his house and cook his dinner."

And based on our countless experiences with "love" over the years, we've learned that there are six and only six reasons the man in your life will do something special for you on the so-called official day of love, Valentine's Day.

(1) He's cheating on you;
(2) He's thinking about cheating on you and feels guilty about it;
(3) He doesn't really love you so much and thus needs a good reason to go out of his way to do something special for you one day a year;
(4) He hasn't gotten laid by you (or his mistress) in awhile and he's hoping tonight's the night;
(5) He wrongly thinks the Latin phrase "quid pro quo" translates to "a dozen roses for a blow job"; and/or
(6) He's a sappy little fuck.

Curious Question of the Day

What's worse?

Being born on the floor of the Resorts Casino in still-a-shit-hole Atlantic City, or knowing your mom was playing penny slots while 8 months pregnant and thought you were just gas.

Also, today's Jamie Gold's "Monkey Fucking a Football" PR Award goes to Steve Callender, VP of operations at Resorts Casino, who told the media, "We've had people die here, but we've never had people born here."

Story here and here.

Wicked Chops Poker's Invaluable Advice of the Day

We Entities of Wicked Chops Poker are not so much about dishing out poker advice on a regular basis as we are about never dishing out poker advice. That's best left for other people to serve up for you.

However, on occasion, we do feel the need to dish out "life" advice that should be considered so valuable that it's invaluable, like:

If you're ever going to let a hot chick slap you in the face, and it didn't hurt, don't tell her that it was like a 3-year-old hitting you. Lie and say, "Ouch, that was a really good slug. Like Maria Sharapova with a tennis racket but completely different because you're way hotter than Maria Sharapova baby. Way hotter."

For those who need video evidence of what not to do, see the video of a guy telling a hot chick she slaps like a 3-year-old after the jump, as well as photos of Maria Sharapova, of course.

Crispin Leyser Is Charles Bronson Tough

We've mentioned before that we don't like 90% of the people in the world, so it's no surprise that 90% don't like us either. Lately it's been friends of both Jamie Gold and Crispin Leyser, who are turning out to be on the same level as Nickelback and Anna Benson fans (i.e. Anna Benson) in terms of their hatred of us, with the key difference being that no one sucks more than Nickelback fans. Except Al Qaeda, maybe. We hate those guys.

Anway, because we've made unfair slights against Crispin Leyser and his manliness lately, we thought it would be journalistically responsible (a phrase that means about as much to us as the word "sesquipedalian" does, which we have no idea what that means) to point out that Leyser is actually a tough guy. Like Charles Bronson in Hard Times tough, if Charles Bronson in Hard Times slapped wrists instead of beating the shit out of people.

Don't believe us that Leyser is that tough? Go to a WPT Boot Camp sometime and try raising in early position with a weak ace. The word on the street is that Leyser will unleash a slap of fury on your wrist so fast you won't know what slapped you. On your wrist. And if you're really bad, he may just slap you across the face. And if you're REALLY bad, he may...uh oh, we better stop, cause this is kind of turning us on.

By the way, if our photoshop expert was in right now we would have put Leyser's face on Charles Bronson's body on the poster to the left to drive the point home that Leyser really is Bronson tough. But you'll have to settle for second best, photos here and after the jump of Keeley Hazell in her recent Zoo spread doing Christina Aguilera's boxing in her panties and chaps tough girl thing. There are also photos of Keeley doing the Britney Spears Catholic school girl number and a video from her Kylie Minogue bit, which aren't so tough looking as they are Keeley doing the Britney Catholic school girl number and Kylie bit.

Wicked Chops State Lotteries Report

The switch from online poker to playing the lottery hit our bankrolls pretty hard this past week. We're $2,473 down. $150 from playing some scratch game we still haven't really figured out yet and the rest from getting jacked while drinking 40s and loitering in front of the "Lotto & Groceries" store on Boulevard. Call the police if you come across a guy in an XXXL white tee flashing about 1300 bones and Snake's brown Diesel watch.

On the good news front, Chops' new mistress, Tammy, a lottery regular, is moving out of her ex-husband's mobile home this Friday (fingers crossed) after she picked 4 and cashed $752.43. Tammy and Bobbi Sue are getting a two bedder over at Twin Ponds and some new tats to celebrate. Snake's new side-dish Latonia, who he coincidentally met at the L & G when she kindly asked him to scratch her ticket, quit her job as the assistant manager at Chick-Fil-A and is moving into the new condo he bought from his previous Bodog cash earnings, which he may now lose if he doesn't hit the Fantasy 5 soon. The Addict by the way is now addicted to the Georgia Lottery's Cash 3 game and has been playing his baby's momma's favorite numbers 0-6-9 every day, except today, which sucks because 0-6-9 finally hit and paid out $229,960 to "0 people" according to the state's lottery site.

In other lottery news, wild bears in Minnesota have packed up and moved to Hawaii thanks to the $50 million windfall they received from the state lottery there. Taking their place in the wild were several thousand poor people who played the lottery every day and won shit.

After the jump, a photo of Tammy and Bobbi Sue at the pond and a video about wild bears and lotteries we came across on YouTube, which may or may not be run by a bunch of frickin' commies.

Poor Man Doesn't Win Virginia State Lottery Texas Hold'em Game

Carl Jackson (at right), a poor 43-year-old African American male, did not win any money in the Virginia state lottery instant Texas Hold'em scratch game last week.

Carl spent much of his meager weekly earnings on the new, popular $5 Texas Hold'em scratch tickets. Said Carl, "Yeah man, I didn't win. But this Texas Hold'em game has got me hooked, and now I gotta get my fix somewhere, ya know? Me and all my friends play the lottery all the time man."

Virginia, which is the home state to Republican Congressman Bob Goodlatte, co-sponsor of H.R. 4411, an anti-gaming legislative bill, runs a very well promoted state lottery that recently began selling Texas Hold'em scratch tickets. The tickets have been a huge success. Says the Virginia lottery website:

"You’ve seen Texas Hold ’Em on TV. Now, you can scratch and play. For an ante of $5 you get to see what your opponent is holding. The pot goes as high as $100,000. With three hands on five tables - you could beat your opponent up to 15 times on each ticket! Go all in and see what happens!"

The Virginia lottery doesn't provide actual odds of winning its Texas Hold'em scratch game on the site. However, when playing actual live Texas Hold'em, in the absolute case worst pre-flop scenario, you are never any worse than about 11% to win a hand, so we imagine you've gotta have about the same odds with this new scratch game.

Until We Have Something Else to Post

There may or may not be breaking Wicked Chops Poker news later today but until then we thought we'd share these poignant videos (above and after the jump) of Kim Jong-il in the compelling docudrama Team America, which when released in 2004 demonstrated firsthand the North Korean leader's absolute disregard for the United Nations, his insatiable desire to build a nuclear arsenal that would threaten the stability of Northeast Asia and the overwhelming isolation he feels because no one takes him, as he says, serirousry . . . that is, until today.

Roman Moroni on the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act

Leave it to Roman Moroni to provide us with some humor, and reason, in light of Bill Frist's anti-gambling legislative Pearl Harbor attack on the poker world. Said the always able spokesman, Moroni:

"I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy corksuckers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes... like yourselves."

After some clips of Moroni gambling, his exact text from the above quote runs at the 4:15 mark.

Stupid Poker Criminals Hall of Fame Welcomes Jeffrey Cabrera to Its Fabled Halls

Maybe we were too hard on the students at Northern Marianas College last year.

As we detailed, Northern Marianas students petitioned for passage of an anti-poker bill to impose stricter regulations on the poker industry and "prohibit poker establishments from the villages, and increase the distance of poker rooms from schools and churches."

We found this a totally not cool kind of way for college kids to spend their time. Not Greg Hogan Jr. rob-a-bank-watch-Chronicles-of-Narnia-then-go-to-orchestra-practice uncool, but pretty fucking uncool.

But maybe now, at least, we understand where they were coming from.

According to Poker Listings, Jeffrey Cabrera, 25, was arrested last week for stealing a woman's purse (and giving her a swollen upper lip, really not cool) so he could build his poker bankroll back up. The purse had around $300 in it. However, before Jeffrey could blow his bankroll again, he was caught by police and confessed to the crime.

So congratulations Jeffrey on being our latest Stupid Poker Criminal Hall of Fame inductee! Not only are you a shitty poker player, but you're an even worse criminal! With traits like these, you could very well be on your way to becoming our first multiple inductee to the Hall. Keep up the great work!

Finally, A Poker Site for Gay People and Trannies

The more time we spend in card rooms across the country, the more we notice flamboyant gay men and hot long-limbed lesbians trolling the tables eager to pick up a willing conquest for the evening.

Seriously, Caesar's card room might as well be a Roman bath house.

And while we're totally making up everything in the above two paragraphs except "maybe" the first link, we are not making up this: ComeOutPoker.com has officially launched as the "First Ever Online Poker Room for GLBT - Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered Community."

Unfortunately, there is nothing humorous we can really say about this. There is just no material for us to work with...sorry. Just a dry well over here.

However, if you're not too busy taking "mancations" with your "friends," and are maybe a bit "curious" and longing for more details, then continue reading this post about ComeOutPoker.com--a site dedicated exclusively to gay people and trannies--which again, as previously stated, provides us with nothing funny to say, as ComeOutPoker, which again is a site just for gay people and trannies, might interest you, because it may cater exclusively to people like you (i.e. gays and trannies).

The Best of the Worst: Jamie Gold WSOP Headlines

There's a saying about people who live in glass houses throwing stones.

It's a saying that we often stones rocks at, or choose to ignore.

One of the overlooked benefits to the dominating Jamie Gold WSOP win (and ensuing lawsuit) is the volume of uninspired or lazy headlines it has produced. We, in fact, have had one or two of our own (See: No One As Good as Gold).

However, this will not stop us from pointing out the faults of others, because in a lot of ways, that is our job. After the jump are some of our favorite Jamie Gold headlines from other "media":

Breaking News: Card Player Announces No More 7CS Events for Heterosexuals

According to Card Player, yesterday's "star-studded" (their words) Seven Card Stud event will be the last Seven Card Stud tourney for heterosexuals at this year's WSOP. Said Card Player:

"Only fifteen of the 183 entrants returned at 4 p.m. to finish out the second and final straight seven-stud event at this year's WSOP."

So if you're a homosexual who can play a mean game of 7CS, put on your favorite ascot right now and head on down to the Rio!

Jon Stewart on the "Internets" and Online Gambling Ban

This Daily Show video about the Net Neutrality Act and Saddam Goodlatte's Internet Gambling Bill is both hilarious and sad. Hilarious because it shows just how dumb our politicians in DC are, and sad because it shows just how dumb our politicians in DC are.

Editor's Note: This video is getting a lot of viewage so it may take a little while to load up, but it's worth it. The online gambling bit starts up 3 minutes in. We recommend clicking on the link or image above and let it download before playing it (push pause and let it load). While you wait, read about PocketFives, why eBay wants you prosecuted for playing online poker or google our site for every post we've done on Keeley Hazell.

10 People Who Hate Wicked Chops Poker (Part I)

Hate. It’s such a strong word.

Whoever invented the word “hate” did a great job. He/she achieved his/her goal.

Think about it. If the word were called, say, “gish,” then being “gished” wouldn’t sound so bad. “I f’ing gish you!!!” would almost seem like a good thing. “Wow, this person kind of digs us,” is what we’d think if someone screamed “I f’ing gish you!!!” to us. For real.

Now to the point. Over the past year, Wicked Chops Poker has stepped on some toes. When you don’t particularly like about 90% of the people in the world, these kinds of things happen (but readers, we love you, all of you, for real [fist double-pumping chest-area]).

And we are positive that, in some cases, the feeling of disdain is mutual. While we don’t have any “concrete” evidence that the below list of people genuinely hate us, we are at least willing to make the assumption, for the purposes of this article, that they do. Unfortunately, the people we KNOW hate us we cannot mention, for fear of being threatened with yet another lawsuit (unfortunately, yet again, for real).

10. Dayne Baverman:  To recap, Baverman has racked up more than $50,000 in tournament winnings since 2003 including a cash in the 2004 WSOP main event.  However, none of this money is going to pay for the child support for six of his eight kids.  When we found Baverman, he hadn't paid a dime of child support for over a year and owed $31,221 for six of his eight children. He finally got the bad beat he deserved though when he was arrested in the middle of a hand at the Gold Strike Casino in Tunica, Miss. and now faces up to three years in jail for failing to pay child support.  While Baverman may have hated us for calling attention to his deliquency, his ex-wife didn't.  As she put it, "Thank you for being so blunt concerning this deadbeat dad."